Monday, January 31, 2005

Ok, Apprentice 3, Episode 2, Take 1; much like last season this is not going to provide you with a thorough recap of all the action, you can just go to NBC if you need that. After witnessing the candidates move and speak, some of my initial assessments from just looking at one photo of them have altered and some have not. For instance, if I had seen Alex Thomason in action (or if he were a little more faux-hawked or wearing the get-up that he donned for the interview segments last night) rather than calling him 100% non-descript I would have opted for 70% gay. Audrey Evans really didn't look anything like her headshot on the show and probably wouldn't make for a good entertainment reporter anyway because she's got one of those voices that sounds like you've been up all night sitting on the hood of a Z28 in the Casey's parking lot drinking Old Mil and chain-smoking Camel Lights and your Quiet Riot t-shirt was not warm enough to keep you from catching a bit of a cold. This voice was used to great effect in complaining about Brian O'Goomba (since making my initial assessment of Brian I have discovered that he is in fact Irish) ripping out all the toilets in the Surfside Motel: "14 toilets that people SHIT IN... your ass doesn't know the difference!" John Gafford does indeed have one big old head but you couldn't tell from his photo that in addition to a little too much yeast this doughy mass is crammed full of catchy sayings, which I imagine he's been squirreling away up there in large cities like Detroit, Atlanta, and St. Louis while preparing for this moment in the spotlight. His two gems from this week were "Stop pointing the finger and start pulling the thumb" and "You screwed the poodle, bro, and you screwed the poodle with me". I think that was just a metaphor for Brian's incompetence, but if not I am very disappointed that NBC's censors did not allow that scene on the air. I'm not sure whether John fancies himself the Vince Vaughn of the group or if that's just my own fancy (well, it's not just my fancy, as I saw on Sunday that The Venerable New York Times also refers to John as having a "Vince Vaughn, old school charm", though they fail to add "with a face which brings to mind an institutional-sized jar of Hellmann's flesh-onnaise") The two candidates that I found myself liking the most (aside from my initial pick Craig "Peaceful Feet" Williams, who seemed just as likeable in person as I thought he might be but did not get a whole lot of airtime this week) turned out to be Angie the Fitness Badger and Magna team leader Michael Tarshi. Angie got on my good side by first calmly trying to get bitchy reality veteran Kristen to quiet down and stop complaining for a few minutes before getting right in her face and screaming "SHUT the FUCK UP!" while Michael just seemed like an okay David Puddy type who made me smile when he was consoling Verna after her "comeback" and started a sentence with "Martin Luther King said..." (and I think his website may make you smile some more, I recommend taking a few moments to rock out over there - if you are ready for the takeover, that is!) Verna did not look as much like she had suffered a little brain damage in the womb as she did in her crappy headshot but her actions this week did prove there is something amiss with that grey matter because she had a complete break from reality before trying to take a complete break from reality tv (“My body was mentally exhausted, my mind was mentally exhausted”). And she would have made it, too, had it not been for the cast member who seems to have shockingly taken over the reins from Lil Stacy to become my special Apprentice lady-friend this season, Caroline Kepcher. I had become impressed over the course of last season with this sensible voice of reason and her ever more frequent smiling, but I had never even considered the possibility that I could ever become tv-smitten with this executive vice-president and COO, she's really not my type at all. But then when she showed up at the motel and was trying to keep from laughing at the team for not removing the plastic bags from the mattresses before putting the bedding on them - "It's kind of crunchy" – well, type be damned. I would have liked to have seen what she said to Verna after she lured her into her car to drive her back to the motel (or what the crew did, as the difference between her uncommunicative state before stepping into the ride and the way she was acting by the time they pulled into the motel parking lot suggested a scene like the one in The Wall where they shoot Pink up with speed before the show). In the boardroom later when Donald said “But I heard you made a great comeback, and there’s nothing I like more than a great comeback” I think he mentally continued “And there’s nothing I like less than a big lawsuit, please do not jump out of my truly magnificent apartment building before I am able to fire you.” The teaser up on the NBC website, “Next: For the First Time Ever, Someone Quits! Don't Miss the First Five Minutes!” suggests that he might not have to worry about Verna much longer, however (though would this not be the second time ever, since she already quit once?) Who else… Danny is one of your hippier hipsters, of the sort you often find signed to Elephant 6, and is indeed pretty annoying with his self-consciously wacky antics. Kind of a cross between Andy Dick and Mo Rocca (I would start referring to him as Mo Dick, except I’m afraid that as soon as I did I’d start getting excited emails on the tipline from a confused Alex Thomason going “WHERE? WHERE?”) and I think he must have smuggled some reefer up to the suite, perhaps sewn inside that ascot, because he was totally high, at least during his interview segments. His website features some Beatle-esque indie pop which confirms my E6 pigeon-holing of this joker, plus the design will transport you back to the kute and krazy days of 1999… it’s a real toss-up between Danny and Michael for most awesome web presence so far. Brian’s site isn’t quite in the same league but does have a certain charm all its own (and lets us know that he is very much in love with Erin Elmore). I thought it was unnecessarily cruel of Trump not to just fire him as soon as he said he ought to be fired rather than dragging out the inevitable, letting his teammates yell at him and causing him to look even more idiotic by arguing “A good leader never gives up” right after he had just given up, saying of the mismanaged task "It could have been a galliant trip", and then, having tired of making up new words, topping fuckin’ Chris from last season by letting some tried and true expletives fly right in the boardroom (from this episode, at least, the current crop of candidates seems to be fucktasticly potty-mouthed). It did give young Chris Shelton a chance to pipe up in a nervously unmodulated yelp to defend himself against charges that he had said he knew all about hand-on construction techniques (charges that I’m not so sure anybody had leveled against him yet), leading to Angie the Fitness Badger deciding that maybe he ought to get fired instead (most likely because she was sitting right next to his unprovoked loudness and as was demonstrated earlier in the van this lady strives to maintain peace and quiet at all times). In Shelton’s bio he states that he “sees himself as a young Donald Trump” and I think the reason for his needless outburst was that he was afraid that the boardroom would end before he had a chance to make his hero notice him. If I slip up and refer to somebody in coming weeks as Mark David Chapman, this is the candidate I will be referring to. Who have I missed here… oh, Kristen. I must admit that she turned out to be right when she was demanding that they set up a budget before going any further since Brian ended up blowing most of their money on toilets (“Can’t renovate and not get toilets”) without one. She kept repeating “I don’t do business that way but that’s fine” but I don’t think she really thought it was fine at all. In spite of being in the right on the budget issue, though, her loud and abrasive bitchiness is undoubtedly going to lead to her getting murdered in big city X just like she was in small town X a few years ago. And I think that’s all I have here, none of the other candidates made enough of an impression this week to warrant notation, so this will conclude the inaugural Apprentice 3 coverage and for the love of god DO NOT MISS THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES this week (especially since I have plans this Thursday and will be missing the whole show… if any readers out there want to TiVO it or something for me to watch later that would be swell).

Sunday, January 30, 2005

I know that I said I was going to fiinish my report on The Apprentice yesterday, but I seem to have left my notes back at the office... either that or they are currently embedded in a refreezing lump of slushy accumulation somewhere along my route home. Either way I will strive to finish it up as soon as possible tomorrow. I know this is a huge disappointment, but instead of bellyaching about it maybe you ought to just be thankful that you don't live in Newfield, home of the loose raccoon.

Friday, January 28, 2005

I did indeed watch The Apprentice last night and had commenced composing my mysteriously beloved two cents on the proceedings when some unexpected distractions, business-related and otherwise, came knocking at my workpod. But I'll finish it up tomorrow, so look out!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

I hadn't read the candidates' bios before writing my previous post, but now that I have here are a few fun facts about 8 of them to help get us all up to speed. BRIAN: A self-made millionaire from selling glow-in-the-dark necklaces, he now holds the federal trademark for GLOWLITES. Brian is best described as an entrepreneur. In Brian's spare time he enjoys performing magic. BREN: Far from the fame and fortune of Fifth Avenue, Bren works in the world of thugs and drugs. DANNY: When Danny is out of the boardroom, he can be found writing and performing rock operas and symphonies. ANGIE: Angie is also a professional cabaret singer and songwriter. She has made many national appearances and currently is publishing her own book of original songs. CRAIG: He is currently an EMT and firefighter working 24-hours a day, every 3 days. Craig also created and developed a modest shoeshine franchise entitled, "Peaceful Feet Shoe Shine Inc." TANA: Her business savvy was first noted at the age of nine when she sold telephone accessories door-to-door and depleted her inventory in record time. Tana's highly competitive spirit has led her to be one of the top sales women in the Mary Kay Organization. JOHN: Has lived in some of the biggest cities in the country including Detroit, Atlanta and St. Louis. KRISTEN: Was already on another reality show back in 2001, Murder In Small Town X. THE OTHER 10: Suck without distinction.

Alright, I guess I will make an effort to view The Apprentice again this “season” (NBC has absolutely nothing new to put on so they have to rush this next installment on the air before we’ve gotten a chance to recover from the truly magnificent Trumpian inanity from last “season”? The answer to this rhetorical question is yes) but I do not promise to stick with it if I find myself not feeling up to composing the bitter and hateful commentary every Friday. As I’ve mentioned, I didn’t see the first episode, but my initial impressions of the candidates after studying their headshots and glancing at an episode recap are as follows. Alex Thomason: 100% nondescript. Angie Harper: With her leopard print choker, surfeit of scarves and lighter hair at the front of her head streaking back into dark hair like the pelt of a… let’s say badger, adding text to identify her as a 41 year old gym franchise owner from Lake Balboa, CA is entirely superfluous. Audrey Evans: Should be transitioning into a career in Access Hollywood-style reportage after tiring of Hawaiian Tropic swimsuit competitions rather than waiting around here to get fired. Bren Olswanger: Wears a bowtie like Raj, but it’s probably not so much the personal statement of a foppish dandy this time because he is a prosecutor from the South and I believe they are required to sport such neckwear; it is unfortunate that this accessory did not get misplaced during his trip north like the T from his name was. Brian McDowell: Again valuable text space is wasted explaining that this goomba is from New Jersey and on the Street Smarts team. Also, he is the first example of the dominant male look this time around, squinty-eyed pudgy blockhead. Chris Shelton: SEPB example # 2, though with a marginally less chunky noggin and blond hair. Craig Williams: Looks like the least hateable contestant and as a shoeshine business owner has the only slightly interesting-sounding occupation (the others cover a spectrum ranging from beige to taupe: real estate agent, real estate broker, real estate broker, real estate financier, real estate developer, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, technology firm owner, technology firm owner, sales executive, sales manager, business manager, senior government manager, and supply chain consultant). Danny Kastner: Evidently the hipster of the group, wears an ascot and as I understand it strummed a guitar during the premiere. As the contestant that’s probably the closest to my own phylum I am gearing up to hate him most of all. Erin Elmore: The only contestant who may be marginally attractive, just based on these headshots, kind of a combination between Ashlee Simpson and Ashlee Simpson. John Gafford: SEPB #3. Kendra Todd: The only one of the 47 real estate folks with book smarts (my vision of her library: The Zone Diet, The South Beach Diet, some Mary Higgins Clark, The DaVinci Code, and Who Moved My Cheese?). Kristen Kirchner: At 31, has ten years to collect all the scarves necessary to complete her inevitable transformation into Angie by age 41. Michael Tarshi: SEPB #4, now with extra smarm. Stephanie Myers: Once again, identification as a consultant from San Diego totally unrequired. Tana Goertz: After substituting Sales Executive from Des Moines, ditto. Has monstrously large teeth and, in the only moment it sounds like I would have enjoyed watching from the premiere episode, was pissed upon. Tara Dowdell: This season’s black woman with a name confusingly similar to another contestant’s. Todd: Almost SEPB #5, except that the bulky boulder of a skull blending seamlessly into this one’s thick neck has been elongated, which would be a helpful distinguishing feature if he hadn’t already gotten fired. Verna Felton: I’ve got nothing here… well, I guess if you squint a little she looks exactly like Jack Nicholson’s Joker crossed with a black woman with a touch of fetal alcohol syndrome, but without squinting she's just the latter. Ok, I hope this has helped alleviate the dearth of mean-spirited mocking in our culture today, and I’ll try to actually watch the show tonight.

You're hired! 10 cents per flier distributed and extensive fringe benefits. Plus, as soon as you meet your daily quota you get to put on a coat.
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I've got another backlogged tip to share, this time from reader Syd B. Since I've only really got time today to spit a few dope rhymes in between helping the timber industry combat the nefarious lies of those environmentalist pansies, I'll leave you to finding any humor this link may offer on your own (to get you started, Syd recommends checking out the MP3 while I recommend you check out the pictures, in particular "Sworddraw"). Additionally, I don't think I've mentioned the recent addition of the great MP3 blog 'Buked and Scorned to the links list, if you haven't travelled over there yet you'd better get on it.

MC Scoo is makin that green
Like the Flamingo Gardens otter I’m a lovin machine
Got gold-plated acorns all over my house and
I track mad storms on my Doppler 7000
Try to battle Scooter, boy, you might get hurt
Last sucker tried to bite I took his red & black shirt
Cause I can rap and I can ski
And that’s why your girl wants to get with me
Chillin in McDonald’s all the goddamned time
I don’t bus my tray, I just bus rhymes
And I’m out…
Posted by Hello

It may be somewhat more desolate than usual here this week as I am very busy working on a project to help the man keep the squirrels down (and unfortunately, I'm not really joking). But here are a few squirrel tips sent in by reader Andrew H., one concerning The White Squirrel Wars and a second about Miss Geneva Pillow's friend Shorty. Ok, now back to business.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Reader Teresa S. also sent in a tip regarding the gay bomb that the military brainstormed up recently... oh no, wait, in 1994, so maybe it has already been secretly rolled out by now. As I understand it (from the single explanatory sentence in the article), this weaponry is really only a gay bomb if you drop it on a bunch of men with no women around, so if anyone knows where a prototype might be obtained, the tipline address is to your immediate left. I know, you'd think that running the internet's go-to spot for raccoon attacks would be turn-on enough for the ladies (not to mention the burgeoning ski phenomenon angle) but still, the additional eye-opener that aphrodisiacal munitions provide couldn't hurt any. Also, if they are not already doing so I think the Pentagon should look into the possibility of combining this technology with that of the nude bomb for expediated results.

Here's a photo from outside my apartment on Kingsland Avenue in Greenpoint last night. I have some additional weather links that I was planning to include with this but work has just gotten SO much worse that I have not the time right now... Posted by Hello

Monday, January 24, 2005

Kids Say The Darndest Things, Office Edition: "Mom, I'm going to have to talk to you later. No, I'm stepping into a meeting as we speak and I'm supposed to be leading an activity so I need to get off right this second. Ok, bye." The subject then pockets his phone and enters the restroom.

Of course, taking Friday off has also resulted in The Great Blizzard Of Work 2005 now that I'm back in the office, which is impacting my ability to deal with some tipline action that has occurred during my absence. But reader Teresa S. has graced us with a tip of such overwhelming interest that it must be dealt with in spite of these conditions: "Hey!" he shouted. "Put the giant doughnut down. Nobody touches the doughnut, man!"

As I alluded to via link last Thursday, I took a trip up to Hunter Mountain this weekend during the Great Blizzard of Twenty Aught Five. I'd never been skiing before but had signed up for a lesson and even though I completely expected to be incompetent and pathetic I was just going to grit my teeth and force myself through it and then after I made it back to the city (assuming I did not plummet off a cliff or otherwise kill myself) I would at least be able to say that I'd tried it. In fact, I'd gotten myself so hunkered down into this sort of survival mode that it wasn't until I was back lying on my couch and reviewing the weekend that it completely hit me that I hadn't been pathetic and incompetent at all, I'd picked up the basics of that skiing business pretty quickly and had spent hours going up and down the slopes and having the most amazing time. This photo is of a somewhat steeper slope than the ones I stuck to this time, but now that I have a stamped card certifying myself as having completed Level 1 ski training with flying colors I can move on to a Level 2 lesson on my next trip which I think should prepare me to glide down something like this. I still need to work on my slowing down skills a little, I found myself having so much fun once I started picking up speed that I kept neglecting them until I got near the bottom and realized that if I didn't wipe out on purpose I would be putting a Scooter-shaped hole through the wall of the ski center. Luckily, I also kind of enjoyed the wiping out, at least on the relatively gentle downgrades found in "The Briar Patch" (you know, now that I think about it, part of what made me feel surprisingly comfortable during this inaugural ski adventure may have been the fact that I was borned in de briar patch...) Anyhow, it really was a Great Blizzard of 2005, I'm even more fond of snow than I was before (if that is possible) and you may now consider me a skier. Posted by Hello

Thursday, January 20, 2005

I will be out on vacation tomorrow, celebrating Squirrel Appreciation Day (well, not entirely, but it really is Squirrel Apprectiation Day tomorrow). For you to amuse yourself in proper fashion in my absence, I've found some fun squirrel activites for you to do, such as the enigmatic Acorn Toss: "Toss on the shape of a squirrel. Hunt for acorns." In addition, here are a few stories of fellow squirrel appreciators around the world: "I was sitting on my couch one night and one of them ran up my arm. I flung my arm and it landed in the other room. After one ran up my arm I knew I had one, then I saw two, then four, the next thing I knew I had six.” and "The squirrels certainly had a taste for brake fluid and petrol. They found a nice cosy spot they were living right next to the carburettor." Enjoy!

Snowy flap outside Poland Lemon Tree Market Inc., Nassau Avenue, Greenpoint. Posted by Hello

Finally! There is one upside to the suddenly seasonable temperatures: snow instead of rain or slushy accumulation. Monsignor McGolrick Park, Greenpoint, Brooklyn, U.S.A. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

"A tiny frog with a huge shriek has invaded the Big Island and won't shut up." Warning: Don't get needlessly excited like I just did, Herve Villechaize has not risen from the grave.

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It's not any warmer than it was yesterday, but I'm starting to feel more acclimated today. One thing that I think is helping a lot is this idea I got from a woman named Jeanette who lives in Boden, Sweden, just below the Arctic Circle. It's almost exactly as cold over there today as it is in NYC, but Jeanette is so busy drawing pictures of Taylor Hanson that she hardly feels the chill at all! Seriously, you should try it. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Anticipating your next question: yes, they have met. However, both continue to rudely snub the third one at private social events in venues as varied as Houston's Astrodome and Eddie Murphy's New Jersey mansion. Posted by Hello

Even though the temperatures have suddenly gone all January on us here in New York, those 20 degrees outside would probably seem like t-shirt weather to the hardy folks of northern Minnesota, where it has become so frigid that residents have lost the ability to differentiate between "breaking news" and "something that happened in South Dakota in 1980".

It's not going to help the tarsiers any, but it at least cheers me up a little to hear that Richard Hatch might be facing up to 10 years in prison. No, not the Richard Hatch, just the reality 'star' one (and no, not for abusing his adopted child or domestic partner, just for tax evasion).

As if it weren't depressing enough that our favorite animal, the pika, is rapidly becoming extinct, today brings word that "the world's smallest monkey" is also living on borrowed time. Actually, it's not a monkey at all, it's the tarsier, but I guess it's easier to say than "world's smallest animal which may or may not be related to the lemur". In any case, this coming tragedy is not being brought about so much by global warming as it is by people keeping them as pets or tourist attractions, because evidently when you lock them up inside a cage they will bang their heads against the side until they crush their skulls and die. Here is a series of four tarsier photos (click on one and it will go to the next); see how happy the girls are to be cuddling the poor little tarsiers to death in the last one!

Monday, January 17, 2005

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"The zoo can be a fascinating place for people of all ages. Bring the delight and intrigue of the animal kingdom closer to home with Garden Swingers. Each handcrafted cast resin character merrily sits on a swing that hangs beautifully from any porch, limb or ledge. The intricate hand painting is so finely detailed that this lively bunch seems to come alive." Reader Will. H. sent in the link to this patriotic swinging squirrel, but not all of his friends seem quite as comfortable with the swinging lifestyle as he does; in fact, the situation often seems to be absolutely terrifying for the poor creatures, unless they have been clubbed in the head or recently finished off a 5 gallon box of carrot wine.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Yesterday's "squirrel up your square" link made me curious to find out more about the large acorn visited in the photo essay, so I have done just that. As readers in the Raleigh, NC area (such as Ernest T. Bass and Otis Campbell) undoubtedly already know, the acorn is not only a must-see attraction on any visit to the City of Oaks but on New Year's Eve they hoist it approximately 100 ft. into the air and then drop it at midnight. We have our own nut drop up here in the Big Apple, courtesy of reader Mike A., but that is never quite as impressive as it sounds like this Raleigh tradition is, and one of these years I'd really like to travel down there to witness the magic in person. Those Jeb Bailey photos also led me to a treasure trove of other pictures from the Moore Square Middle School archives, and here are a few that I particularly enjoy: Sweetheart Jam!, Winter Wonderland "Dance", Snowflake Sit, Boogaloo Fred Savage, I Got Snow, I Got Snow Too, Hormone Race, and If You Want Blood.

To lighten the mood from that heavy Bread bummer, reader Andrea B. has found a stoney hedgehog for your amusement. HNWTRK!!!

Readers in the know are aware that I've long had a soft spot for the softly rocking sounds of Bread, so it was with heavy heart that I read today that founding member Jimmy Griffin is dead. Who draws the crowd and plays so loud, baby it's the guitar man. Who's gonna steal the show, you know baby it's the guitar man. He can make you love, he can make you cry, he will bring you down, then he'll get you high. Somethin' keeps him movin', but no one seems to know what it is that makes him go. Then the lights begin to flicker and the sound is getting dim, the voice begins to falter and the crowds are getting thin. But he never seems to notice he's just got to find another place to play.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Yeah, yeah, I'll try to get those stacked bar charts back to you before I leave today but they're going to have to wait a while because there is breaking otter news! With accompanying headline derby: Otter Named "Fast Eddie" Fathers Five New Babies (, 'Fast Eddie' Astonishes with Fathering Frenzy (Orlando Sentinel), Amorous Otter Strikes Again (WCCO, MN), Who's Your Otter Daddy? (, and our winner (mostly because it has the most in-depth coverage) Flamingo Gardens Otter Is A Lovin' Machine ( I've also written a song:

The Flamingo Gardens otter
is a lovin' machine
Don't keep him from his lovin'
or he'll be turnin' mean
He breeds well in captivity
like no otter you've seen
oh the Flamingo Gardens otter
is a lovin' machine

It's another busy day here at work, but I've hoarded a few squirrel-themed remainders to trot out at times such as these: 1) Square Up Your Squirrel and 2) Squirrel Up Your Square.

When I got home last night I looked at the page for Konan Woodsraper again (since he is a go far get treed young man's dog and I am a go far get treed young man) and I noticed that his owner has himself what I think is an even better name than his dog's, Randy Gary. And then I noticed that there is a you may want to spend awhile looking through his whole site yourself, but if you're pressed for time here are a few of my favorite photos: Two Foxes, Wang Dang Sweet What Now ? and , Today's Haul: Six Rabbits, 3 Puppies (by the way, we've already learned that squirrels are essential for making s'mores and raccoons are good for fondue, but what dish can Randy cook to use up all those plump and delicious puppies? A: Mock apple pie).

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I've explained why one might be tempted to hunt down and kill a few of their friends the squirrels, but since both cur and feist also enjoy treeing coons (which are worthless for making s'mores, though in a pinch they're ok for fondue), you might now be wondering why someone would want to go and start shootin' at one of those ring-tailed rascals? A few possible reasons: 1) whacking him with the hockey stick is proving ineffective, 2) you and your cat do not feel up to sprinting, or 3) hell hath no fury like a moron scorned.

While my friendship with the squirrels is well documented, I also love some delicious s'mores now and again, and since squirrel is one of the three ingredients in s'mores, along with graham crackers and chocolate, this can cause a few conflicts in our relationship during squirrel season. If the photo of chocolatey campfired squirreliciousness that I posted yesterday has piqued your curiousity and you live in New York state, the season runs through Feb. 28th and there are many squirrel calls available here. My recommendations are either the Knight & Hale Squirrel Magic Calling Kit for the beginner or if you already have sufficient skills not to need the instructional video you can't go wrong with the Johnny Stewart Crit'r Getter Coaxer (when the host of The Daily Show isn't helping get Tucker Carlson fired from CNN he is dedicated to helping you attract more delicious squirrels) . Once you've got yourself a good call and a good rifle (remember, "Cheap guns ain't good for shooting squirrels") you just need to get yourself a good dog and you'll be ready for action. But here you run into the age-old question: cur or feist? While there are some good-looking curs out there, like the touchingly humble Kovac's Amazing Shamrock (He is not a “super dog” and has bad days like the rest of us) and the disturbingly named Konan Woodsraper (He is fur crazy), I consider myself more of a feist man, and they do not come any feistier than Britches (Britches has treed so many squirrels in a morning hunt that one man could not carry all the squirrels, plus his grandfather is Spuds McKenzie). I've just noticed that the images on those pages are not working at the moment, though they were just a while ago, so if that is still the case when you check them out there are some feist fotos here and here are some curs to help you in making your decision. Then get out there and start treeing! To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Mmmm, s'mores."

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

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Monday, January 10, 2005

It would seem too early for another installment of Size For Size, Two For Two, Staple/Staple, Clip/Clip: Documents From The World Of Litigation Photocopying, but this document is related to the document from yesterday, so I'm going to allow it.

I: On x/x/xx 0948 – D contacted me at the XXXX Substation. I made a cassette recording of this interview which states the following:

The date is x/x/xx the time is 9:48 hours this is an interview with D.

D: Ok, on May 8 K told, asked me uh what dog ribs tasted like. I said people don't eat dogs. He said yes they do. I said well, uh some cultures eat dogs but we don't. Um, he said B eats dogs. I said what did it look like. He said a weeny dog. She gave it a shot and then cut it with a knife and took the skin off and ate it. Um-
K: Mommy (mumbling)
D: K, this is being taped. I don't want to talk to you right now. Um, K on the 9th at daycare, K uh and some of the other little boys were trying to poke a stick into um, a bird house uh, where there were babies. And that night I asked him if B ever made him hurt animals. He said yes I killed birds.
K: Mommy
D: K, I am doing this in the microphone right now, play with your stickerbook
K: But I got to tell you something
D: What ?
K: (Mumbling)
D: Um, on Saturday the 11th uh K and I went to Marineworld and um, he threw a penny into a pond and made a wish. Later that day he told me the wish was that B would never get out of jail
D: Um, on Sunday, May 12 he told me B wrecked a sports car. She didn't know how to drive it. She hit a tree. What color was it. Yellow. How many days did she have it. One. And he was laughing. I went on private property with B’s friends. They were chopping down trees. How? With a chainsaw. They even cut down one of those, he was pointing to a telephone pole. Were they big? Yes, real strong. I don't think they were supposed to be there. Later that day I asked him uh, do you ever think about B? He said all the time. Uh, maybe soon we can try to forget about it. He said mom, I try to forget and my brain just reminds me
K: (sitting, humming)
D: On June 4 a Tuesday I picked K up from A's and we were headed for XXXX and K says: B took me to the zoo. How did you get there? On an airplane. Big or little airplane? Big. Were there other people? Yes lots. Did you know them? No. Was K2 there? I think so. Did a lady tell you to fasten your seat belts? Yes. B took me to the lion ton first then to the one with the loudest noise. An elephant? Yes.
K: That's after the the after the elephant it was.
D: Where?
K: A tiger
D: Where was that? Do you know what town?
K: It was at the zoo.
D: Do you know where the zoo was?
K: No
D: Was it cold?
K: I think it was in the jungle.
D: Hummm
D: Thursday last of this past week which was what the date, um, the 6th um, I had found out that B2 had been convicted of four counts of child molestation and I was talking to K about um, going to the courtroom to see the man that had hurt the three big kids. Um, I asked him if he wanted to go with me he said no. I said I want you to tell me if you know the man. He said is it B2? I said yes. He said I don't need to go I know who he is. I said you do? He said yes, he is one of B’s friends. I asked him if he knew the names of any of other other of B’s friends. He said yes. When I asked him, he said I can't think right now. Um, I was asking him about B2. I said what does he look like? He said a man. I said is he older than me. He said yes. I asked was he nice? He said no. A few minutes later I asked K if F had showed him a picture of B2. He said yes. I said did you point him out? Yes. I asked him why he didn't tell F? He said I didn't want to. I asked if he were afraid? He said yes. I told him that he was safe and no one was going to hurt him. He said he hopes B2 goes to jail for a million years. I asked him why he didn't tell me. He said you never asked. I talked to A2 and told her of the above conversation she wanted to know if K could put B and B2 together. I told her he had already said uh he was one of B’s friends. Katy identified B2 and xxxx xx xx (cannot understand) B’s boyfriends I asked K if he knew B’s boyfriend. He said which one? He said she had lots of boyfriends. Um, was B2 one of B’s boyfriends? Yes. Did B have a birthday party for one of her boyfriends? Yes. Who? You know, the one we have been talking about? Yes. How do you know it was his birthday? Because he told me his birthday was before summer vacation.
K: Mommy
D: What?
K: Can I talk?
D: Just a minute, you can. What did the people have on? Nothing. What did B give the children to eat? Cake. You know what was on the cake? You won't believe this, a penis. Do you believe it? Yes, I do. What did B do with the cake? When it was her turn she peed on her piece. B2 took pictures of butts. I asked if B2 hurt him? He said no then rolled over and said oh yes he did. Like he was remembering. He said I am forgetting this stuff now. I asked him if he felt better that he had told me. He said yes but, I asked him if he was scared? He said real scared. I told him no one was going to hurt him. I asked him if he would tell the sheriff. He said I thought you said I didn't have to tell the sheriff anymore. I tried to impress upon him he has information and the sheriffs need to put these people in jail. I told him how proud I was that be could talk to me about it. He said I have one more secret. He wants to tell me but is just too scared. Later K told me that B2 wore brown tennis shoes with white stripes and the big toe was cut out on both shoes. He said he didn't wear socks. He said he has athletes foot and doesn't wear socks.
K: Sometimes he has athletes foot
D: Oh, sometimes. He asked him to pretend. Uh, I asked him to pretend we were in a trial and I was asking questions. What color were B2's shoes? Brown. I said good. Uh, they might try to get you mixed up. Just tell the truth. If you don't know, say you don't know. I asked him about the other color. White. I said what made the shoes look funny. The holes. He said B2 never wore socks, and he always had those shoes on. I asked um, where he lived. He said Texas. I said that's a long way away. I asked him if he lived where F and A2 and I took him. He said yes. I asked him if had a beard? No. Um, somewhere along the conversation I asked him if he ever saw B2's penis sticking out. Uh, no answer. Um, no answer didn't want to talk. I asked him if they ever anything in his butt. No answer. Before going to bed uh, uh, mom, I gotta tell you B and her friends never hurt me. I said K are you scared? Yes, very scared. I tried to reassure him, told him that I was so proud. Um, and that's about it.
K: Mommy
D: What?

Ok, the time now is 9:57 hours

At the end of this interview K made the statement: B2 did have a beard. D then asked K do you want to tell F some stuff. K stated no.

J: Refer to d.a.

That living vicariously stuff isn't so bad (at least until you look up from your computer screen and realize that you don't have the day off from school today at all), let's do a little more.

"So what was the first thing you did this AM? Look out the window! And what did you see? Snow! And what did you think? I liked it!"

“It was all good. I was sleeping,” said Lisa McCarthy, 15, of the moment she was informed there wouldn’t be school at Hortonville High School.

Swartwood said winter has its advantages."I don't see anything wrong with it," he said. "It's supposed to do this. It gets rid of all those ladybugs, so I'm for it."

"I got snow in my head," says Johnathon, 11.

First off, there's an anonymous comment to yesterday's post which contains some interesting stuff in a similar vein, so I encourage you to check that out. Then, as a change of pace from kids saying the darnedest things, you may be interested in hearing some inside dope on becoming a finalist on AFV from The Janesville (WI) Gazette, and after that you can vicariously experience the thrill of the recent snow day they had there: "Patrick Knilans, 14, of Edison School, went to the mall with friends after snowboarding shirtless. He said he probably would spend the evening playing video games. Patrick enjoyed a double cheeseburger at the mall, but, 'it's kind of boring because there's, like, nobody here. Everybody was probably here earlier.'"

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Alright, it's time for the second installment of Size For Size, Two For Two, Staple/Staple, Clip/Clip: Documents From The World Of Litigation Photocopying.

"B. and S. took me to a secret place outside and drew a face of me only I had grey hair. They hanged it up on a door and put my name on it."

"They had this secret a square door cut into the bathroom floor that's where they... if the kids got hurt, then B., her dad or mom or B2 or S. would go down there and hide under the floor. They would say, 'Don't tell anybody that they (we) are under there.' They came out after the parents left."

"Once B.'s mom took M. (sister). B. took M.'s pants off and B.'s dad took a fork and stuck it into her back privates. Me and K. saw him do it. S. was watching K2 play soccer. I was climbing down the ladder through the (trap) door in the floor. K. was holding the ladder. I jumped on B. and told M. to run away. M. ran and went to her nap. They wanted me to clean up the dirt off the bathroom floor." (Note: the secret subterranean room may have a dirt floor).

"B.'s dad would take his pants off. He would show off and wiggle his bottom. B.'s mom was just watchin'."

"B.'s dad took a fork one day and sticked in my (left) cheek (while) I was in a playhouse outside on the play yard. He laughed at me. Nobody else was around."

"They had a Christmas then they wanted me to decorate the whole tree. it was too much. I started getting mad. B.'s dad showed me the blade of the pocket knife and said if I didn't do it, he'd cut me."

"I saw lots of kids (at XXXX Day Care) hanging upside down by their feet."

Therapist: Did they cry?

XXXX: "No, they had handkerchiefs around their mouths."

Friday, January 07, 2005

I haven't been able to focus as much of my attention on the coverage of the Andrea Yates verdict reversal emanating from the FoxNewsLounge here at work as I really should, but from what I understand things are only illegal now if there was an episode of Law & Order about them? And given this new legal standard, could someone check and let me know if they have had any episodes where a bunch of consultants were drowned in a bathtub? Thanks.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying: these jerboas are all well and good, but what of the jirds? My reply to you: Persian or Bushy-tailed?

Reality Hits Home: It's 'Perfect'-ly Awful (Daily News), A Perfectly Mediocre Domesticity Contest (, 'Perfect' Contest Isn't Always Winning (Boston Globe)... Since Wickedly Perfect has revealed itself to be one of those things that's so bad it's not good, my thoughts turn instead to jerboas. Ass-eared, broad-tailed, flate-tailed, alone they will walk near your feet, and although themselves they are used to hiding behind and under the heladera, of the table of the TV or of the kitchen, their curiosity is able more than they and another time they leave, they look at you, they jump, they run, if you are sited down in a chair Under itself they rise you to the head, and if you are stopped to the feet (you owe to be attentive to not step them). They can free the queue if they are taken Incorrectly, but rare time they bite. Some more traditionally English facts can be found here, and now you will please excuse me as I must to eat of the pipas of jirasol prior to "sleeping the siesta".

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Well, I have watched 3/4 of the premiere of Wickedly Perfect, but I cannot bear to watch another moment of this disasterously dismal display of... you know, I can't even be bothered to think of more words that begin with dis. One of the teams did name themselves The Crafty Beavers, though the only actual beaver featured was the one which kept coming dangerously close to popping into view whenever judge Candace Bushnell was on camera. If the best you can do for a judge who is clearly supposed to be a well-qualified arbiter of good taste and refinement is someone who shows up wearing the classic uniform which they hand out to first-year students at the Acadamy of Stereotypical Streetwalkers - full length fur coat over leopard print top, fishnet stockings, and a skirt that really did only fall just centimeters below where her undoubtedly crotchless panties began - you need to forget trying to get the jump on Martha's own upcoming reality show and just go ahead and whip up another CSI or something. Okay, to be fair, the coat isn't necessarily part of your standard issue strolling ho's ensemble, it was more the sort of thing that your pimp might loan you so your goodies don't get all frosty during your crack break. I didn't stay to see which of the two contestants from The Artisans whose apple projects were deemed the worst got voted off the show, but I can announce that between the competing two-word reviews I've just thought up I am dismissing "Perfectly Awful" and my appropriately lame quip to end this will be "Wicked Bad".

I may be busy, but not too busy to write a quick self-promoting post: through this coming Monday you can go here to nominate your favorite blogs for the 2005 Bloggies (man, as if the word blog wasn't super cool enough already). To make it even easier for you, and concentrate any nominating that may occur, I've run through the categories and think that should you wish to nominate IAAFOTS - and why in hell would you not, I'd like to know - the only possibly applicable categories would be Best Kept Secret, Best New, Best Tagline, and Most Humorous. Much more importantly than endorsing myself here, though, I'd love to get more people to nominate some true champs from the links to your left, particularly: Transparent Smile, Stale Popcorn, Baked Ziti, Cityrag, 14 Places To Eat, Lost In Texas, and A Working Mom's Dinner Diary (I don't really know why I am so fond of Dinner Diary, but the fact remains that I am, and maybe you should be, too).

IAAFOTS EXCLUSIVE - MUST CREDIT READER WILL H.!!!! Checking the tipline was extra worthwhile this morning, it was like waking up and finding that elves have made all of your shoes for you during the night. Posted by Hello

"An official in charge of the plan said, 'It will be difficult to attain zero in the end. A backlash can be expected if the number of seizures goes up in cities.'" I enjoy that quote as is, without further explanation, but I need to fill in the context for you, because the context is raccoons.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Wait, there's another celebrity engagement announcement today! Oh happy celebrities. Since it doesn't conjure up images of supermodels cavorting with marine mammals on an ice floe (or use the word affianced) I was inclined not to give a shit about this one at all... until I noticed something that the article mentions but then unaccoutably does not follow up on, even though it is bound to raise many questions in the mind of the reader. See if you can spot it: "Jude Law and Sienna Miller, who met while filming Alfie, are engaged to be married. Law proposed to Miller on Christmas morning in England. The gold ring has nine diamonds set in platinum, a spokesperson said. 'They then headed to the Indian Ocean. They have told their families the news and they're thrilled, as are Jude's children. They love Sienna and can't wait for the wedding,' Caira Parks, Law's spokesperson, said." If you're stumped as to what I might be talking about, here's a hint.

Thankfully, it's now been replaced in the list of Top Stories by this funnier headline: Supermodel Heidi Klum, Seal Engaged. "'We affianced on a glacier in Whistler (Canada). We reached this beautiful place by helicopter one day before Christmas Eve. It was a unique experience,' said a posting on Klum's Web site." I think there's a joke to be made here involving the word 'clubbing' but I'm still too busy today to take the time needed to properly formulate it.

This story I just saw on Yahoo, Iowa Deputies Capture Missing Kangaroo, is great anyway, but the headline writer's lazy ignorance led to my being unnecessarily disappointed to discover that it did not take place in my home state of Iowa at all. Going to college on the east coast I'm long used to poorly educated yahoos not realizing that Iowa, Ohio, and Idaho are in fact not the same place at all, but this is the first time that I've encountered someone who appears unaware that Wisconsin and Iowa are two distinct entities.

In addition to sitting right behind the FoxNewsLounge here in the office I'm also very near to the front reception area which lies directly to its right, and so get to listen to a lot of interaction between high-powered business types and the receptionists. Resulting from that, here's an observation, which you can easily apply to similar situations as well... using a person's first name seems nice & thoughtful at first (i.e., "Good morning, Josephine!" or "Hi Josephine, do you know where I could find a fax machine?") but starts to sound rather condescending if done repeatedly (i.e., "Good morning, Josephine! Josephine, could you tell me where conference room 240 is? Thanks so much, Josephine.") But the funny thing which really blows the smooth and charming facade of the monkey-suit who just delivered that last quote moments ago? Her name's Marian.

I think I mentioned on the week before Christmas how much I do enjoy snow, but you know what I do not care for, which evidentally results from rain changing to sleet by late afternoon? Slushy accumulation (though it is going to make a great title for the album, perhaps with subtitle... Slushy Accumulation: A Wintry Mix).

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

After getting lulled into a false sense of free and easiness over the past several weeks I've been hit upside the head by a soggy sack of shitwork today, so it's back into the old scanned photos for the blog. I find it a little odd that I never posted this one before but it doesn't appear that I have. On the left is Jake, on the right is Jethro, and in between is my tasty ass. Posted by Hello

Monday, January 03, 2005

I just saw this Sandra Bullock news which reminds me why I have long called her "the good Julia Roberts"... well, in the past it's really just been because Julia's muppet-sized pie-hole has always frightened me and I otherwise consider them interchangeable, but this will be the new reason going forward. I doubt this is a venue that anyone turns to find out where to send money for disaster relief and I think this tsunami may have already gotten some coverage elsewhere... but since I can't think of any other reason why you'd read this either I will take a moment to point to this list of organizations that Google has set up, and if you need squirrel-friendly guidance in picking amongst them, I've long been a big fan of Habitat For Humanity.

I notice that there is a leftover tip from Thursday that I did not notice in my rush for hot chocolate. First, though, I forgot to mention that said cocoa was obtained at City Bakery, and I highly recommend that you get yourself some there this winter if you are in the NYC area... the iconoclastic pretzel croissants that they mention in that review are also good and I don't think that either are what made me viciously vomitous later in the evening, as my companion reported no ill effects. One word of caution though: do not get your hopes up when you spy "The Chocolate Room" with the sedutive red light atop it, as you will find scant chocolate and zero prostitutes when you step within. Anyhow, the tip comes from reader Mike A. and is just a heads-up that there is a new robot in the NBA joining my mechanical hero from the playoffs, Rip Hamilton (I can't find any robotic photos of Rip right now, but if you go back into the archives and look for any Robot vs. Rapist posts in June or so perhaps some of those links still work...) Anyhow, they are probably both Bluetooth-enabled and are communicating with your cell-phone, sewing machine, and high-tech toaster as we speak, plotting worldwide robotic revolution and complete humanoid eradication.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

So here's a condensed holiday recap: I skipped out of work early on Thursday, had some tasty hot chocolate, did a little shopping, and saw The Incredibles, which I thought was a nice warm-up for a fun-filled, rockin' weekend. Instead I became violently ill at around 3am Friday morning and after several hours of vomiting spent the next day and a half alternately sweating profusely and freezing to death while unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep for more than 15 minutes in a row. I forced myself out of bed for awhile yesterday in order to attend a New Year's Day party, and since most of the other guests probably had gone out the night before I think my pain and infirmity wasn't particularly noticeable and I managed to have a pleasant enough afternoon despite this ill-timed illness. Today I'm starting to feel slightly better, the Jets just made the playoffs, and when I cut through McGolrick Park on my way to the grocery store earlier I met this squirrel who looks as though he's ready to kick somebody's ass, just like I am about to do to 2005. Oh yeah, it's on, baby new year.