Friday, April 30, 2004

Debo confesar, el lunes e I, no vemos el ojo para eye. Pero el lasagna... ah, senor, éste es un regalo de los dioses a mí y de hecho a todos los gatos el mundo encima.

Readers upset with Sinclair Broadcasting's decision to censor Nightline tonight can find contact information here. I normally try to steer clear of endorsing any specific political action in the blog, but the directions to their headquarters say to drive toward Cockeysville and hang a left on Beaver Dam, and that sounds dirty.

At first I assumed the nurse was attempting to pry the bottle from his tenacious hooch-fueled grip, but on closer inspection, I may have misconstrued the purpose of the site.

My Yahoo homepage just tipped me to the existence of this video of red hot Wonkette action, featuring her bandana-clad dog Hank. Counterintuitively, no anal.

Oh, man... a friend of the squirrels just can't catch a break. As I'm sure you know, until the Mark Russell demographic is forced to look elsewhere for their entertainment needs, my aim with this blog has been to target the 'tween market. Now this.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

I realize that the quality of my blogging has been slipping precipitously, but what I saw last night on PBS really made me think about throwing in the towel completely. No matter how much effort I put into my work, I know in my heart that it is never even going to approach the level of humor that this man has consistently reached for over 25 years now. But, on the other hand, he also looked as though he's about to drop dead, and once that happens the mantle will be mine for the taking.

Busy, busy, and busy so far today, but here is your Thursday squirrel.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Things that make you go hmmm.

Gena's probably forcing the dogs to wear the hats, but the question of who is forcing Gena remains unanswered.

I couldn't make up my mind whether to make some play on Fox On The Run or Run To The Hills for this, so I'm going to echsew my usual comical antics and just let you know that reader Andrea B. is going to be doing some 'running' for a good cause, and if you'd like to help out you should go here and donate your ass off.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch...

"All I know is one minute, everything was fine, I was doing my business, and in a split second, it's like, 'Boom!' What the heck happened? I'm on the floor!"

But this battle must extend beyond these terrorists who hate the freedoms that squirrels in this country enjoy. We must hunt down the evildoers wherever they may be found, from Kabul to K Street and from spiderholes to Senate chambers.

Squirrel Terror Alert !! Reader Kirra B. calls upon all friends of squirrels and squirrel liberty to rise up and vanquish this homegrown terrorist threat. We will not falter, and we will not fail.

Friday, April 23, 2004

How wrong would you be? This wrong.

If you had to guess which star of Boy Meets World had a website dedicated to their personal poetry, you'd probably guess Topanga, right? You would be wrong.

Friend of a friend of the squirrels Michelle E. has found a solution to your malevolent Manischewitz storage problems. This link has a bad darkness.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Raccoons were not the only thing getting treed today. "There was just two naked men up there. They were naked or pretty much naked." [Update, 4/23: "The 32-year-old hurled the can to the ground, screamed, 'Vanilla!'"]

If your family is anything like mine, within 24 hours after Earth Day everyone is SO sick of leftover coon sandwiches that they just want to scream! Well here is an American-style solution for you (and if your brood is completely cooned-out here's an alternative that is sure to please). Now I've got to run and get home before the caterer shows up with the SquirCoonUm I ordered for tonight's feast.

Now for the results. It was a neck and neck race that saw early favorites stumble and fall while links that nobody gave the slightest chance of winning at the outset emerged as strong and vibrant contenders, only to stumble and fall in a manner which observers likened to the fate of the early favorites. When the dust settled, however, it was neither Pancake Bunny nor Robert S. McElvaine that stood victorious. The Greatest Link of All Time is similar in appearance to chaps that a cowboy might wear, and though nothing really bursts into flames, it had to catch on fire. And it did; kudos to you, link.

First off, our Earth Day Squirrel.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

The votes in our contest will be tabulated when I get into work tomorrow morning, so be sure to get your ballots in before 10:30AM EST for your voice to be heard. Those of you who have not procrastinated have time to check out this additional bit of giant shrimp background, and maybe this as well.

News you can use from reader Mike A., the most suprising news being that Long John Silver's batter-dipped Giant Shrimp are "huge, measuring nearly a half-foot long." Once you've let the contents of those two links sink in, here is a third that you will be very happy to have on hand.

I usually leave this sort of story to the more politically-focused blognoscenti, but reader Rob C. points out a squirrel angle in this piece: "Every ground squirrel in this country knows that it's going to be $50 billion to $75 billion in additional money required to sustain us in Iraq for this year.'' Also of note, Joe Biden likes to dress up and pretend that he's John Stossel.

The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly. — Proverbs 20:30

Readers whose appetites for proverbs are now whetted can find more epigrammatic wisdom at this link.

"If the sheep give Bonnie any lip, she will reinforce with a quick nip."

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Back when I was in college there was a story in the news about a guy who was out one night in NYC wearing his ninja boots. As he was leaving a restaurant/club/some establishment a passerby started making fun of his ninja boots, saying "Hey, nice ninja boots, you some sorta ninja?" or words to that effect. So the ninja kicked him in the head and killed him. Unfortunately this happened 15 years ago, so I can't find any reference to it online, but during the course of my search I did find ninja haikus and related ninja content, so it's not like I was wasting my time.

Your ballots are pouring in, with Pancake Bunny jumping out to an early lead, but there is still plenty of time to rock the vote, so if you haven't been able to get through yet just keep trying.

I've been waiting since Friday for a picture to show up at Fox Sports, but I can't sit on this any longer, because my name's Scooter! I'm a crazy knuckleball! I go all over the darn place!

Bloggy blogday to blog! To celebrate we are having a contest to crown the greatest link of all time. Here are the nominees: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, and #10. Voting is for old people, so let's get to it: vote early and often via our tipline, write-in candidates (from the i am a friend of the squirrels archives) are welcome. You can't win if you don't play.

It looks as though i am a friend of the squirrels has been around for a whole month now; congratulations are in order. While I plan some festivities to honor me and my awesome blog, here is another anniversary for you to start celebrating.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Georgian: Look here, beauty. Let’s go to the sauna together today. Beer, swimming-pool.
Girl: Are you crazy? I won’t go to the sauna with you!
Georgian: Maybe we could take a trip in the sea in the yacht? Big yacht, sea-gulls, dolphins.
Girl: I'd love to go to a yacht!

My options continue to multiply like hopped-up rabbits: "I see the chicken nuggets, and I jump right in there."

Reader Kirra B. offers up a link to the inspirational tale of this differently-abled legislator from back home in the Hawkeye State.

I don't like Mondays, so today seems like a good time to learn a little more about Fridays, and to that end I've found a more comprehensive link.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Sí, mi amigo, soy de hecho un perdedor, pero con todo pienso que usted me encontrará fácil amar también. Mi nombre es Ziggy.

It turns out that cola will rot more than your teeth, whether it contains sugar or not. But hey, life goes on.

Now that the ground in which they have dwelt for the past 17 years has really started warming up, it feels like the time for an update on Brood X, which reader Wendy J. has helpfully provided. Remember, "once they have broken free, it is your moment to strike".

Thursday, April 15, 2004

The Nashville Sounds don't have a very good team name, but they have an outstanding series of bobblehead promotions this summer, with Bob Seger on June 4, Sylvester Stallone on July 30, and Richard Attenborough on August 27.

Channel 11 weatherman Mr. G claims it will be 78 degrees Fahrenheit on Monday, so I have a seasonal link that will make those occasions when the store on wheels ding-a-lings down the street and parks in front of your apartment for hours and hours and hours and hours a little more fun. Not much more, though.

Thursday's squirrel has far to go.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

"I don't think I've ever rowed harder in my entire life as I did trying to escape the otter."

I'm trying to decide whether this is the worst job in the world, or the best. In any case, reader Mike A. says that everyone probably knows about this already, but I didn't, and I'm about as in-the-know as they come. Though I did just figure out, mid-blog, that it isn't actually live but is done with computers or somethin'.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Are you there God? It's me, Judy Blume's web designer. I was hoping for some feedback on the animated GIF... ping me when you get in.

Reader Mike A. provides both the link and the quip for this one: Smoke On My Father. So he's the one to send to hell, God.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

My apologies if I've let any readers down this weekend, but I've been completely focused on a new movie script I've been writing to replace the income from my outsourced day job. It's sort of like Cool Runnings meets Three Kings, with an idealistic young biathalon team trying to train for the Olympics in a snowless environment. My working title is Enduring Freedom, but suggestions are more than welcome.

Friday, April 09, 2004

To further celebrate the death of our lord here are two rabbit fotos to go along with the Oreo-napping tale noted previously.

It's Good Friday today, but it was not a good Tuesday for this little bunny thief.

I normally try to avoid taking the easy way out here by simply copying the same link I've just seen in another blog (and as a cyberwhore of the blogosphere, I am constantly jacked into the net and scanning the latest content uploaded by my blogging compatriots, so the temptation is all too real) but my genuine love of Peanuts is overriding that policy this time. Up-to-date Wonketeers should be aware: nothing new for you to see here, move along.

To compensate for yesterday's blog drought I am offering an extra hot tip from reader Kirra B. that will not only provide joy and merriment, but if you're not careful you just might learn a little something too. For instance, what's hot? Horsing around. What's not? Getting carried away, especially with a hateful bastard like Tucker Max.

Thursday, April 08, 2004


Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Today is Holy Week Hump Day, as reader Andrea B. reminds us with this hippity tip that will help put to rest the long-standing view of this day as simply an uneventful lull before the madcap hullabaloo of Maundy Thursday.

Reader Kirra B. reports on the emergence of a "faith-based pizza" movement taking root in her hometown of York, PA. Parishoners at new local hotspot Stevie B.'s can enjoy signature Italian specialties such as the "Taco Delicioso Grande" in an alchohol -free, balloon-friendly buffet-style environment, with proceeds supporting York-area church activites. Meanwhile, reader Mike A. provides a useful counterpoint to these Diners In Christ's Service.

In the continuing effort to keep this blog on an even keel, it is now time for a story with a happy ending.

"Jimmy Furlong, a mover, lives in Apt. A in the building north of Clauson's, and he went to Apt. C to check on a cat as a favor for the cat's owner."

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

As you may have gleaned from my posting on Sunday, I am a friend of the first-place Baltimore Orioles, but Yankees fans need love too, so here you go.

Are the conversions in Hollywood movies not believable enough for you? Would you like to see something slower, with less fury? How about entering an environment of hilarious circumstances for a new breed of athlete with distinct personalities? Seek and you shall find.

I am tired and busy and desperately want out of my job... not this cushy blogging gig, but rather the job which the man pays me money for. Readers in a similar predicament today should take some time to visit this website and pretend that it's Friday (and 1981, if you think that would help).

Monday, April 05, 2004

After visiting the previous link, terrified readers are advised to browse here for a few minutes.

Rabid reader Mike A. bemoans the lack of new content today, but he does he just sit there and complain? No ma'am, he gets up off his behind and does something about it, a trait I think he might share with the subject of his red hot tip.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Not interested in either time or baseball? For you there are Fantasy Mini Corgis.

Well this just blows... at least we're an hour closer to this fall's ALCS, a matchup you can see a preview of this evening if you have ESPN2.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Finally, Antonio Sabato Jr. is assumed to have been stunned to have the everloving crap beaten out of him, in an incident some believe may be ice cream related. Video here.

As always, I am stunned that Mark Trail is still being published.

Administration officials and family members alike were stunned and defensive today after a Canadian news outlet declared that "the jig is up for the Bush boys!", a charge the liberal-controlled U.S. media soon picked up and ran with. In a speech given in San Antonio, the boys' father was quick to respond, forcefully stating "Hey, I didn't ride in here on a watermelon cart."

"A play-by-the-rules guy, Drew Pooters said he was stunned by what he found his manager doing in the Toys "R" Us store in Albuquerque."

Friday, April 02, 2004

Oh, who am I kidding, even after 2 hotpants-filled hours of budweiser I can still rewrite song lyrics to correspond to topical stories with the best of them (them being your local drive-time Zoo Crew):

Ice cream man
upon my street
I love your truck outside
it's really neat
Now Ice cream man
upon my block
I love your chimes sir
don't bash me with a pipe

Went to Hooters
Ate wings all night
I drank 16 beers
And I started up a fight

But now I'm jaded
You're out of luck
I'm rolling down the stairs
Too drunk to blog

Thursday, April 01, 2004

In another bit of luck, the tips keep on coming. Reader Rob C. (former human beatbox for DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince—oh no, wait...) recommends checking this out. Be sure to scroll down the the bottom of the page to enjoy The Adventures of Luxor and Ludwig, Cloister Canines.

Man, the bastards at work will not give me a moment's peace today. Luckily, I've stockpiled a few squirrels for just such a Thursday.