Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Maybe you can find whatever you're looking for here.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

How does Russ McCubbin keep himself looking so foxy ?

How does Lindsay Wagner keep herself looking so foxy?

Monday, June 28, 2004

It seems that this story came out last week, but owing to the fact that no marmots were involved I just found out about it moments ago. "I don't know if he was comparing himself to Jesus the Christ or anything like that," Davis said, adding, "Jesus the Christ is my guy."

Men's Health magazine has announced their list of the ten dirtiest foods, which are, in descending order: chicken, ground beef, ground turkey, oysters, eggs, cantaloupe, peaches, pre-packaged tossed salads, cold cuts, and scallions. Thankfully they stopped there, because the lovable Andy from According to Jim appears to be the spokesperson for number 11, and given the slave wages that Belushi is undoubtedly paying the rest of the cast, he can ill afford to lose that extra scratch.

Here’s a problem that’s probably not uncommon: you’re living with someone else and you want to get a pet, but one of you likes cats while the other prefers dogs. What to do? I have found not just a solution to your dilemma, but a solution that can make a horizontal leap of 4 feet from a standing position and rarely needs watering.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

"The 'so-called frog', as the newspaper puts it, has yet to undergo precise genetic and anatomic tests. But it quotes clinical biology expert Dr. Aminifard as saying: 'The similarities are in appearance, the shape of the fingers and the size and shape of the tongue.'"

In the other big campaign, I offer my unqualified support to Mr. Rooney, and urge all of our readers to vote early and vote often.

While political coverage is far from the mainstay of this blog, my party affiliation has always been apparent in the color of the page here, and I'd like to take a moment to praise the nomination of David Cobb as our presidential candidate at the convention this weekend. Rather than going to the trouble of composing a whole I.A.A.F.O.T.S. endorsement for the upcoming election on this day of rest, I'm just going to co-opt "Register Green, Vote Kerry, Beat Bush" from the Greens For Kerry website and then go settle down for a long summer's nap.

Friday, June 25, 2004

No one ever wanted Chester A. Arthur to be President, but he became one anyway! That was bad news for criminals and insane people (or as they were commonly called at the time, 'the Chinese') but great news for pants.

"Most of the hamsters looked lost out there," Hill says. "They kept turning around in their wheels and going in reverse. They didn't know what they were doing, probably because it was their first time in the cars."

Thursday, June 24, 2004

There must be a clever way to introduce this breaking squirrel news, but I'm feelish very uninspired and nappish right now... I think it's because my ass is so hot. Whoa, wait a second.

Hot on the heels of the Not-So-White Wilderness bombshell, the 0.56% non-pure segment of Ivory was dragged out into the harsh light of truth today. The company chose to make the disclosure public after a similar revelation last month resulted in the removal of Uh-Oh Oreos from grocery shelves nationwide.

"Since 911, Homeland Security has been established to keep us safe. Big Nose Productions is putting an ID list together for ID verifications when people call and verify you." Now here is some curtailing of the civil liberties of a demonized minority group that I can really get behind. Thanks to this new tool the FBI has already been able to identify at least 7 obvious sleeper cell members: Razz-Berri, Beep Beep, Cha-Cha, Payaso Kikelin, Willy, Lil' T, and Bubba. They are intercepting suprisingly little chatter from the group, however.

So, once again, Thursday.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

If there were any two items in this world that I was thoroughly convinced could not possibly be improved upon, they would have been Santa and culottes. But Miles Kimball has put the lie to that naive belief and sent them both rocketing into the 21st century with subtle yet inspired tweaks to their basic design.

Even though I was born and bred in the state with the most pigs in the U.S.A., some second graders from Sleepy Hollow, NY have taught me much about our delicious friends. If you are pressed for time, here are a few highlights, but if possible you'll want to start at the beginning and click through them all.

Red Monster, Orange Tiger, and Brown Dog are particularly fond of the mummy wraps, while White Rabbit prefers the boot-scootin' boogie. Also, please note that going forward Honey Bear will no longer be participating in the YMCA activity.

News you can use! Breaking a story like this one is exactly why we are in business here; you won't see Drudge touch this with a ten-foot pole, if he even had one. Which, believe me, he does not.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Glance at the Billboard Top Albums chart and you will see Velvet Revolver, Usher, Avril Lavigne, Hoobastank... what you won't see is the best album of the year. It's still all payola, man.

Finally someone has decided to get off the stick and do something about our woefully undermedicated populace.

Then I came up with the idea to find otter photos by my damn self.

Reader Kirra B.'s commentary has inspired me to hunt down and share more nutzi facts about Walt Disney.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Whither the lemming ?

And I don't even want to think about the possum people, you let your guard down for two seconds around those jokers and lord knows what you'll being pulling possum pelt out of later.

Oh jeez, for that matter, what have the mole people been getting into?

This commentary feature is all well and good, but what have the raccoons been getting into while it has had me distracted?

Friday, June 18, 2004

Another note on the commentary: you can still put a signature on there even though you 'post anonymously'... DIY, man! AB knows what I'm talking about. In a perfect world, I'd like it if everyone began their messages with "Reader Chunky A. sez:" (substituting your own first name/inital, if applicable) but as Victor J. Escquibel and Lino Delgado would probably be the first to tell you, this world it is not so perfect.

Don't look now, but reader Andrew H. sent this link across the pond yesterday.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

It was such a forgone conclusion already before Tuesday night that I completely forgot to write the epilogue until now:
You rap so lame and rape some dame it won't be long til you lose your game, this is Detroit, not L.A., this is Detroit, not L.A., this is Detroit, not L.A., this is Detroit, fuck L.A..

If you flip back and forth between these two photos while playing this MIDI file, it's just like going to the movies without having to shell out $10.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Just a note about the new Comments feature: as reader Andrew H. has cleverly figured out, you don't have to go through all the rigamarole of signing up for a screenname to post a comment, there is a link to post anonymously (which Blogger makes much tinier than everything else, of course). For those who don't know, by the way, this Bloomsday he mentions is the day on which Irishmen and Gaelophiles declare their love for that insipid penguin Opus by taking a wee nip of whiskey every 3 minutes from sunrise until whenever their stream of consciousness ceases and they topple forward into a plate of lamb stew. Good craic.

Reader and antiques dealer Kirra B. takes us to Snowbaby school: "Snowbabies have been around for over a century. They were first made in Germany around 1864 by a company called Hertwig (also famous for their dolls). The design was copied by other German firms, and later by Japanese firms. The early ones can be worth a lot of money." Most importantly, she links us to more Snowbunnies, which are apparantly the impure issue of snowbaby/rabbit miscegenation. My favorite is Thomas Dolby Snowbunny reading the story of Budweiser to his bunny minion.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

During a search for more robotic photos of Rip Hamilton (in anticipation of the Pistons win tonight) I stumbled onto this photo, which reader Mike A. is going to have to make do with, because it's as close as I.A.A.F.O.T.S. is ever going to get to those Rasputin pictures he's been tipping us to.

I was just about ready to start building a collection of "My Little Kitchen Fairies" with the purchase of Teabag Fairie, but then I realized that I'd be making it way too easy for someone walking by my desk to guess my password.

Introduced in 1994 by Department 56, Snowbunnies are made of creamy white porcelain bisue with delicate touches of pink on their curious ears and on the springtime bows tied around their necks. Their giggling will sound like tiny, mellifluous bells as they tiptoe up to where you are napping and begin their terrible feast.

Monday, June 14, 2004

While checking out the Miles Kimball online catalog this afternoon, I was first drawn to the new goose fashions of the season, which are everything you hoped they would be. Then I thought that it might be worthwhile to do some research into all of the clothing options for geese, but there is just too much too much too much too much too much... and I have lost the ability to differentiate the good and the bad, goosewise. As a result, I've decided to provide you with a small sampling of the businesses out there catering to the goose market, and you can wade through their offerings for yourself if you're so god-damned interested all of a sudden. There's The Goose Closet, The Goose Boutique, Goose Garb, Geese & Garb, Goose Caboose, the inaptly named Just Ducky, and Dizzle Dats, which haberdashes the crap out of concrete bears as well. This is only the tip of the gooseberg, but it should get you started.

Full House birthday countdown update: just a few more weeks until Kimmie Gibbler turns 28 on July 3!

Well, the rapist did outscore the robot by a few points last night, but the Pistons continue to motor on, leading the field in both basketballing and urine-activated novelties.

Friday, June 11, 2004

If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola.

First the Bernie Goetz revelation from yesterday, and now the Times reports these recollections from the funeral today: "Mr. Reagan's kindness was such that he ... fretted that the squirrels on the lawn might be bothered by the Bush family dogs once he left office, Mr. Bush recalled. 'He loved to feed those squirrels,' Mr. Reagan's successor recalled."

How about those marmots?

Alleged robot: 31, alleged rapist: 11. Advantage: robot.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

The tipline has fallen silent in recent weeks, but reader Andrea B. steps up today with news that NYC has another friend of the squirrels. They are lucky that their little paws are too small to wield a screwdriver menacingly or they might have gotten a bullet instead of an apartment.

I didn't really think anything at all was going to result from this search, but it turns out that you have some options if you're in the market for a goat coat and don't feel crafty enough to make one yourself.

"Hatebeak pecks your eyes out and assaults your ears in a flurry of pummeling riffs and grey feathers"

Time for another language lesson: in England they call them crisps.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Detroit really should have won that game last night. My favorite Piston is Rip Hamilton, who I think used to be on The Bold and The Beautiful, mixing it up with Thorne Forrester and Sally Spectra. Nowadays he is a scary robot, and I do not believe that Kobe can handle a scary robot for an entire series, even though he did a pretty good job of accessing the service hatch and getting inside his mechanical head at times yesterday.

The internet here has hardly been working at all today, so I must move quickly and decisively now that I've finally gotten on for a second. Continuing in the vein of the Proletariat link last week, here are some timely Reagan Youth fax.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

All the talk is about Bush being a successor to Reagan, but this article makes it appear that he's more of a peanut butter cup, with Reagan as the chocolate and Nixon as the peanut butter.

"Detective Larry Reynolds, who has been on the job for 31 years, said the case he remembers that most closely resembles the chalupa incident involved thrown milk at a McDonald's."

The blogging is going to remain sporadic for awhile here, but I wanted to ask this question about David Hasselhoff's DUI arrest over the weekend: how can he be held responsible for what that crazy car does?

Monday, June 07, 2004

Sorry, very busy today with it being my first day at my new job, nothing being set up, etc. And now I want to get home because visitors are supposed to be visiting. But I want to post something, too, because I realize how many people there are out there that rely heavily on my timely blogging. So let's see... muskrat?

Friday, June 04, 2004

Thankfully, you never need an excuse to reference Norm Abram.

Due to New York suing GlaxoSmithKline, Slate has a link up to a story about Paxil from a few years back, and I'm going to link that link, both because it's interesting in itself, and because I thought it might present an opportunity to reference The Proletariat, and such opportunities are precious and few.

Well, today is my final day with Accenture (formerly Andersen Consulting). That's about all I have to say about that, but here is a photo of some dynamic young weasels for a little value-add.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

"The response has been tremendous. I can sell everything we can make." Either they can't make many, or they sold them all, because this story is from four years ago and I'm still waiting for these delicious-looking items to appear in my supermarket.

I've got a squirrel story, too, courtesy of reader Rob C. He was getting off the Dinky in Princeton to visit his girlfriend, and he walked by a squirrel who was sitting there and eating a nut. But as Rob got closer, the little fellow looked up at him and he realized that it was not, in fact, a nut at all.

Thursday = squirrel.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Tom Hanks turned out to be a real bad influence on this kid.

Robotic mimes would be effective against the models, but if you're familiar with the song "There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly" you know how that scenario would likely progress.

Just a reminder that fashion models are dangerous and unpredictable lunatics, and they will end up killing us all if a coordinated effort is not launched soon to finally put an end to their gaudy clothing and bloodthirsty ways.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I don't usually pay much attention to my spam messages, but my attention was grabbed and grabbed hard by this note I just received from DIPPYSGIRL, "Don't be a looser, damned bedraggle." It really makes you think.

The word is out that "America's Sweetheart", "Mary Reilly" herself, Miss Julia Roberts really does "Love Trouble" and is giving gossip-mongers around town "Something To Talk About" as they try to guess which Hollywood hearthrob has knocked her up with "Twins". Bawdy buccaneer Johnny Depp? Respect-deficient rascal Rodney Dangerfield? Pretty womanizer Richard Gere (if the tots pop out with his trademark skunk-striped hair it will be a dead giveaway)? Hunky hophead Harrison Ford? The Mexican? We'll just have to wait until the official release date of this double-feature to find out for sure!

Clever readers will have already figured out the answer to Friday's brainteaser: it was my birthday. Bonus points for picking the person born both on the same day and the same year as I was.

To mark the occasion, readers Teresa S. and Andrea B. have presented me with a dead black squirrel. Which is creepy, naturally, but he's also playing football, which makes everything ok. His name is a little up in the air. My first thought was Dick Nutkus. But then we get into a situation which harkens back to that old episode of According To Jim where someone gives Jim's son a little Packer football and Jim gets himself into all sorts of mischief trying to switch it with a Bears ball, because he is a tubby moron. So I'm left with the following choices: Ray Nutschke, Filbert Brown, Squirrel Dotson, Don Nutson, or Chestnut McGlockton. I think it will probably just switch back and forth between the first two, at least until he climbs down off the top of the bookshelf in the middle of the night and nibbles through my skull and into my tasty brain.