Alright, I guess I will make an effort to view The Apprentice again this “season” (NBC has absolutely nothing new to put on so they have to rush this next installment on the air before we’ve gotten a chance to recover from the truly magnificent Trumpian inanity from last “season”? The answer to this rhetorical question is yes) but I do not promise to stick with it if I find myself not feeling up to composing the bitter and hateful commentary every Friday. As I’ve mentioned, I didn’t see the first episode, but my initial impressions of the candidates after studying their headshots and glancing at an episode recap are as follows. Alex Thomason: 100% nondescript. Angie Harper: With her leopard print choker, surfeit of scarves and lighter hair at the front of her head streaking back into dark hair like the pelt of a… let’s say badger, adding text to identify her as a 41 year old gym franchise owner from Lake Balboa, CA is entirely superfluous. Audrey Evans: Should be transitioning into a career in Access Hollywood-style reportage after tiring of Hawaiian Tropic swimsuit competitions rather than waiting around here to get fired. Bren Olswanger: Wears a bowtie like Raj, but it’s probably not so much the personal statement of a foppish dandy this time because he is a prosecutor from the South and I believe they are required to sport such neckwear; it is unfortunate that this accessory did not get misplaced during his trip north like the T from his name was. Brian McDowell: Again valuable text space is wasted explaining that this goomba is from New Jersey and on the Street Smarts team. Also, he is the first example of the dominant male look this time around, squinty-eyed pudgy blockhead. Chris Shelton: SEPB example # 2, though with a marginally less chunky noggin and blond hair. Craig Williams: Looks like the least hateable contestant and as a shoeshine business owner has the only slightly interesting-sounding occupation (the others cover a spectrum ranging from beige to taupe: real estate agent, real estate broker, real estate broker, real estate financier, real estate developer, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, technology firm owner, technology firm owner, sales executive, sales manager, business manager, senior government manager, and supply chain consultant). Danny Kastner: Evidently the hipster of the group, wears an ascot and as I understand it strummed a guitar during the premiere. As the contestant that’s probably the closest to my own phylum I am gearing up to hate him most of all. Erin Elmore: The only contestant who may be marginally attractive, just based on these headshots, kind of a combination between Ashlee Simpson and Ashlee Simpson. John Gafford: SEPB #3. Kendra Todd: The only one of the 47 real estate folks with book smarts (my vision of her library: The Zone Diet, The South Beach Diet, some Mary Higgins Clark, The DaVinci Code, and Who Moved My Cheese?). Kristen Kirchner: At 31, has ten years to collect all the scarves necessary to complete her inevitable transformation into Angie by age 41. Michael Tarshi: SEPB #4, now with extra smarm. Stephanie Myers: Once again, identification as a consultant from San Diego totally unrequired. Tana Goertz: After substituting Sales Executive from Des Moines, ditto. Has monstrously large teeth and, in the only moment it sounds like I would have enjoyed watching from the premiere episode, was pissed upon. Tara Dowdell: This season’s black woman with a name confusingly similar to another contestant’s. Todd: Almost SEPB #5, except that the bulky boulder of a skull blending seamlessly into this one’s thick neck has been elongated, which would be a helpful distinguishing feature if he hadn’t already gotten fired. Verna Felton: I’ve got nothing here… well, I guess if you squint a little she looks exactly like Jack Nicholson’s Joker crossed with a black woman with a touch of fetal alcohol syndrome, but without squinting she's just the latter. Ok, I hope this has helped alleviate the dearth of mean-spirited mocking in our culture today, and I’ll try to actually watch the show tonight.