Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I'm a traditionalist when it comes to the Christmas holiday season, believing that you shouldn't be putting up boughs of holly, listening to Mele Kalikimaka, or flocking anything until Santa shows up at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade next week. However, once that moment has passed you'll want to be doing all that and much more AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, so now is a fine time to be getting your preparations in order. To that end, I will now begin to survey this year's crop of holiday collectibles and skim the cream so as to save you, the readership, precious time which could be better spent hustling and/or bustling.
  1. Special Delivery: "A Dancing Dragon national exclusive! This is not your mother's Rudolph! By the firey glow of dragon-light, Santa delivers his gifts to young and old alike and leaves a blackened trail of death and destruction in his wake unless children of the village leave milk, cookies, and a sacrificial virgin out before retiring to bed on Christmas Eve. Cast from poly-resin, this detailed, hand-painted sculptuer will set the mood for your very special dragon Christmas!"
  2. Fa-La-La-La-Lah 2002 Pocket Dragon: "Deck the halls with Dragons Jolly, Fa la la la la la...la la la la Hedgehogs sing and wear their holly, Fa la la la...la la la la" I know there's some obvious humor potential in the very name of this product, but I'm too busy trying to wrap my head around the hedgehog to get to it at the moment. It probably made perfect sense three years ago, but at this point I'm baffled.
  3. Bag Lady Snow Nurse Ornament: "This adorable polyresin ornament features a nurse baglady snowwoman holding a pill, syringe, ambulance and case of medicine. She has moveable legs!" So don't fall for that cripple act she pulls sometimes to panhandle for pill money. I assume this was originally pitched as just a snow nurse but the collectible executives said, "No, the market's flooded with snow nurses now, we need some other angle to stand out from the pack... maybe if she was an angel too, maybe a patriotic angel snow nurse? Or no, WAIT, I've got it, you're gonna love this: bag lady."
  4. Lady Executive Ornament: "This Kurt Adler polyresin ornament of the teddy bear executive is perfect for the nurse executive on the go!" Really, I didn't notice anything specifically nurse executivey about this one, I think it would be perfect for any and all lady executives. And now, if you'll indulge me, I am reminded of a scene from a movie. "Romy: Do you have some sort of businesswoman's special? Waitress: Come again? Romy: Well, we're businesswomen. Michelle: Yeah, from L.A. Romy: And, you know, some places have, like, a lunch special. Michelle: For businesswomen. Waitress: We don't have anything like that. Romy: Well, then just give us... two burgers and fries and diet cokes, 'cause were in a hurry. Michelle: We're due in Tucson later... for a business thing. You know."
  5. "Hey, just wait a cotton-pickin' second, I'm Jewish," some readers may be saying at this point, "What have you found for me and my family to purchase, display, and enjoy this December?" I'm glad you asked, my Hebrew friend. For you, Hanukkah Pooh.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my. I *can* start believing in the Xmas. In fact, I'm putting the Jesus H Christ back in Christmas.

And it's all because of the Bag Lady Snow Nurse Ornament.

Candy Canes for the homeless!

(f, OurBagLadyoftheSquirrels)

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Usually when my teddy bears start doing eBusiness and comptrolling and whatnot, it puts me in less of a holiday mood than I would like. Not any more! Thank you, Lady Executive Ornament! Its also heartwarming to know that if my career as a go-go executive doesn't pan out I can still find seasonal comfort with the Bag Lady Snow Nurse ornament. Although, I think the nursing part of that for me would be restricted to self medication. -ab

8:09 AM  

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