Monday, October 31, 2005

Sorry for the lack of new posts recently, but I've been busy bailing water from the breakfast nook, wringing water from my sock collection, and using super absorbent Bounty paper towels to sop up water on many a flat surface since getting pounded by that wet and wild NOR'EASTER last week. You fellow New Yorkers know what I'm talkin' about, right? Oh, I pray we never have to live through something like that again... Anyway, I did manage to take a break from the devastation last Wednesday evening to view the latest episode of The Apprentice with Martha Stewart, and will once again put my thoughts into a numbered list because a) it gives the illusion of order and b) lists are super fun.
  1. I don't know if any executives from NBC, Mark Burnett Productions, or Martha Stewart Omnimedia noticed the recent comment announcing that reader Steve L. and his wife have now been converted to loyal A:MS watchers, but if you didn't you ought to be made aware. This brings the total number of viewers I have helped bring to your program to 5 (including myself), which I believe accounts for at least 50% of your current ratings. Note the powerful word-of-mouth buzz that IAAFOTS can provide and please reach out via the tipline if you'd like to find out what sort of results can be generated with proper funding.
  2. In contrast to last week's crazy snakin' dragon slayin' madness, this episode was fairly pedestrian. There were, however, numerous celebrities and their dogs, such as Fran Drescher, John Lithgow, Bruce Vilanch, and Merv Griffin, who provided the best line of the episode when he came into the meeting with the A:MS contestants and told his dog Charlie Chan to "smell for drugs". None were found, as Jim Bozzini was not in attendance (which was a shame, since his participation in this show is mostly a nationally televised cry for help with his substance abuse problems).
  3. As mentioned, Jim didn't really do a whole lot this week as project manager, other than make sure that his entire team loathed him (this goal had already been achieved, of course, but better safe than sober). He did offer the baselessly confident assertion that "if we go full tilt and we win, I'll be invincible", which seemed a little crazy since what he meant by full-tilt wasn't working feverishly hard all night long, but rather getting stupid drunk at some Applebee's and making silly faces while mocking your teammates who wanted to talk about the task at hand. However, I don't think he meant invincible in the sense that he'd be a shoo-in to win the show, I got the feeling it was more like that old ABC Afterschool Special where some kids smoke angel dust and then drive straight off a cliff and as the car's flying through the air the girl smiles and yells "Wheeeeeee!!!" He's invincible like that now.
  4. A runner-up for quote of the week came from Martha herself, when she stopped by for an unexpected visit to the contestant's loft and opined that "it's like being you-know-where... Alderson." Martha is not shy about bringing up embarrassing aspects of her past, which was already demonstrated a few weeks back when she gazed out the window of the hotel room the team had fixed up and said "I grew up right over there... in New Jersey." That previous visit also reminds me of another thing I noted during this latest broadcast - Martha's becoming a little more involved and in touch with the players. During that show Martha showing up in the hotel room for a few minutes was the team's entire reward for winning the task, whereas this week she just dropped in for no reason at all to hob-nob and chit-chat. Of course, I don't think the winning team this week got any reward at all, other than the joy of helping out a charity, which the losing team also got, so... really, they seem to be pretty chintzy with the rewards on this show. Also, it seems like Martha has decided to scrap the whole idea of the project manager picking two people to bring into the conference room with them after she didn't like David's choice a few weeks back; again this week she just told Marcella and David to come back in and the rest to go back to their rooms. OH, and as long as I'm on Martha-related notes from the show I'd like to applaud the decision to have Marc Marrone show up momentarily when Martha announced this week's task. Unfortunately it was only a shamelessly transparent plug for his Martha-sponsored Petkeeping with Marc Morrone and he didn't stick around to have anything to do with the task, but any excuse to see a little of the Marrone magic in action is cool with me. There was also a delightful shot of a hamsterpile during the visit to his studio.
  5. Finally, let me wrap things up by shining the spotlight on David Karandish, whom God did not want participating in this television program. I know this because of a Karandish quote I have here, "I am a success whenever I am doing what God wants me to do", coupled with the fact that he got booted from the show this week (by which I mean last week). Before leaving the conference room he did get the chance to pitch his idea to take over Martha's internet strategy and make her website one of the premier destinations on the cookie-hatted bunny superhighway. Her dildo-sucking sidekick Charles Koppelman was quite intrigued by these plans of David's, perhaps seeing the same spark in this young lad that he once saw in one his previous discoveries, Robert VanWinkle. Luckily you don't have to wait around for the interminable redesign process to be completed to get an idea of what the new and improved Martha Stewart Living website is going to look like, since David's already got his own site which serves as a stunning showcase for his web-savvy skills. And even if God also doesn't want him to spiff up Martha's web presence, he's still got the rock criticism to fall back on, as shown by his timely review of the three year old compilation ELV1S: "No, the title of this post isn't some kind of hacker script - its the title of the Elvis #1 hits album. Now Elvis was way before my time, and he doesn't have quite the appeal to people my age that he once did (probably due to the ridiculous number of Elvis impersonators out there). However, this is one album not to be missed. From classics like "Love Me Tender" to favorites like "JailHouse" rock (which I've been known to do a mighty fine karaoke performance of) - this album is fantastic." Now granted, someone could just as easily mock some of the half-assed crap I infrequently post here, but I'm not telling Martha Stewart that what her website needs is more generic clipart and a sweet Deco font. It wasn't his cyberskills that I was referring to in a previous post when I said I had some information indicating that David's an idiot, though, it was the fact that he proudly proclaims his Mensa membership in his bio. The message conveyed by this admission: "I paid to take a test that allows me to fraternize with other people who have nothing in common with me other than the fact that they also scored well on the test and are willing to pay $50 annually to prove they are super geniuses." You'd think that just taking a bunch of notes on your laptop would clue people in to your uncommonly powerful brain, but sometimes they're just too dumb to figure it out and you need some real proof. Of course, you could just go to the Mensa boutique and order some of the smart looks pictured above, but then someone might spy your velour wizard's hat with shiny gold stars and bells hanging from the corners or the collection of adorable MensaBeanies filling your cubicle and ask to see your plaque, and you need a membership number to get one of those. If you'd like people to acknowledge your own overweening brilliance but either lack the spare cash to join Mensa or can't pass their test, I am starting up my own IAAFOTS Sharpest Tools In The Shed Club with free lifetime membership for anyone who can pass this simple one-question test: There is another Mensa member among the 16 A:MS contestants, who is it? Membership entitles you to receive instructions on how to make your own unisex tunic emblazoned with an eye-catching Sharp Tool logo and the slogan "I'm A Clever Cuss!", so send in your answers to the tipline forthwith.


Anonymous Steve L said...

1) did NOT realize Merv Griffin was still alive

2) Speaking of Paul Sorvino, did you see the made-for-TV movie 'Human Trafficking' starring Mira Sorvino on Lifetime this week?

3) It was smart to keep Marcela (sp?) over David: he's offering to spruce up her web site, which anybody could do for her, and he could do for anybody; whereas Marcela really does seem to have modeled herself after Martha, which might be kissing ass but is at least plausible.

4) Martha's daughter didn't say a word, did she? I'm not even sure she blinked, or was breathing.

5) Did you notice the slight annoyance in Martha's voice when her George sort of threw up his hands and said "you've got a tough choice" and she said "well maybe that's something you can help me with, hmm?"

5:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't tear myself away from Mensa David's site:

1."Where's this krazy Internet going?" Ahem. The internet is not so wacky that crazy needs a "K". If you really need a "K" word, try "Kooky".

2. "A bit o' Art appreciation. " Ahem. Inappropriate attempt to be casual! And the image link to the "Last Supper" is broken. Pissing off God will not help him Win in Life!

3. David likes lists too!See his from Sat, Oct 1st 2005. The best part is that only follow up comment is his own: "Most people's todo lists don't include items like "Respond to Cease and Desist". And he includes a smiley icon. Aaaaawwww....How cute, the Cease and Desist...

4. And what a sad lonely Forum---so far, no posts! Maybe if David didn't insist on spelling crazy with a "k".... "Google:
Where is this krazy Google thing going and what does it mean for us?"

5. Forget Mensa... At least the IAAFOTS Sharpest Tools In The Shed Club does muck up their slogan "I am a Klever Kuss!"

6:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't watch the show, but it Dawned on me that I should be a member of the club! What do you think?

Mike A

10:40 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

WELL, after careful consideration I will have to say yes, you are a Sharp Tool. see, there Was a sort of trick in the test involving following instrucitons which I figured someone would screw up, and you did: it sayd to send your answers into the tipline and you commented instead. BUT i now realize that i have it set up so comments also get sent to the tipline email address, so even though you probably didn't know that, leaving a comment Did send the answer to the tipline. However, since you've also spoiled the test for everyone else I am choosing to abstain from telling you how to make your tunic. I'm sure you're clever enough to figure it out, though! Hint: I think cutting square notches around the bottom so it looks all Greek and shit would be super cool.

11:33 AM  

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