So it's football season again! I forget right at the moment what exactly I was calling my very infrequent football column last season, but we'll be calling it whatever that was again this year. To inaugurate (does anybody else remember? my Internet here is still all futzy today and trying to go back and look through my archives is too painfully slow for me to deal with right now) let's look at tonight's Monday Night matchup between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Atlanta Falcons. A few facts to consider: 1) I think the Ford Falcon is one of the coolest looking cars ever and would really love to own one. Conversely, the AMC Eagle. Advantage: Falcons. 2) The Hudson Falcons, whose membership has included Joey Chicken Cutlet, vs. The Eagles, whose membership has included Timothy B. Schmit. Advantage: Falcons. 3) The Fraternal Order of Eagles, the order of good things, helped bring about old age pensions, social security, worker's comp, and Mother's Day, while the Polish Falcons help provide insurance to Poles and encourage them to go to the gym. Advantage: Eagles. 4) Falcons fly high above their quarry, then dive to attack prey at a speed of more than 100 miles per hour! Imagine the prey being struck to the ground or even killed in flight by the tremendous impact from the peregrine's outstretched talons! Hunting is often accompanied by a series of sharp, aggressive, territorial calls, "kee, kee, kee, kee, kee,-kee, kee, kee, kee, kee." Even with Susan Powter, Rudy Ruettiger, and Luke Yankee on the other side of the ball, it's gonna be tough not to get rattled by Michael Vick yelling "kee, kee, kee, kee, kee,-kee, kee, kee, kee, kee" and then attacking you at a speed of more than 100 miles per hour. Advantage: Falcons.

Therefore, on the basis of all this evidence, I am going to have to pick the Falcons by at least 7, easily beating the spread of 1 1/2. Of course, if Terrell Owens shakes off the recent controversy surrounding his relationship with McNabb and getting asked to leave training camp for a week last month, and steps up to have a big game, then you never know.

[UPDATE: Okay, now I remember what this football feature is called: Pump Fake. Please make note of it.]