It's not just Year-over-Year Organic Revenue Growth charts which are keeping me busy, post-Labor Day; as you may have read about in Rush & Molloy in today's Daily News: "Don't kick sand in Leo DiCaprio's face. Having turned himself into obsessive-compulsive hand-washer Howard Hughes in 'The Aviator,' the once-gangly actor has bulked up for his role as an undercover cop in 'The Departed.' A personal trainer named Scooter has been putting him through his paces while director Martin Scorsese has been shooting around New York. The other day, between takes at a Queens detention center, Scooter had Leo doing pushups in a cell. Scooter tells Steppin' Out's Chaunce Hayden his fitness regimen is 'old-school.'" Obviously I can't give all the details of my regimen here, you gotta pay handsomely for that, but I can sketch a quick overview so readers can get an idea of whether it might be right for them as well. There are three basic old-school components to the workout:

1. Butter churning. The benefits of this are twofold: a) development of Leo's arms and upper body, and b) fresh butter for Scooter.
2. Hoover-ball.
3. Squat thrusts.

And all of this is supplemented and enhanced by liberal doses of rocking out. A few of our favored old-school jams:

1. Alabama – Mountain Music
2. The Adventures of Stevie V – Dirty Cash
3. Hall & Oates – Did It In A Minute
4. Possessed - Seven Churches
5. The Caravelles - You Don't Have To Be A Baby To Cry

Parties interested in getting the same intensive, personal training that the stars enjoy are encouraged to contact the tipline to sign up today. Even though Mr. DiCaprio already had the strength of ten men (as all the retarded do) when he first came to me, in only a few short weeks I have already increased that to the strength of 14 men, and we're just getting started. When you're ready to get yourself started, hit me up on that tipline.