I’m being messed with much like Texas is gonna be soon, though in my case it’s three different projects trying to schedule time on the same day rather than devastating wind and rain. So maybe it’s not really similar at all. In any case, I’m gonna go ahead and do this Apprentice: Martha wrap-up in a piecemeal fashion, so please consider this Part One and let’s get to it.

Another thing I should note at the top is that I missed the first 12 or so minutes of the program due to circumstances beyond my control (those circumstances being that I am so very dimwitted that I am unable to read a digital clock). Reader Sarah W. - who I have just this very moment decided to refer to hereafter as “Lady Of The Squirrels”, btw – did graciously watch those minutes 3 hours later on the west coast and took some notes, but I’m still mostly in the dark as to how things began. I do know that the theme song is reportedly “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics, though, which seems an appropriate choice since 1) both Martha and Annie Lennox have a manly sort of femininity goin on, plus the Stewart factor, and 2) lyrics like “I'm gonna use you and abuse you, I'm gonna know what's inside you”. I’ve also looked at a couple of newspaper reviews of the show, and in doing so have come upon one which is in direct opposition with one of the points I was planning to make. First I’ll say what I was gonna say. While I think Martha Stewart in real life is a fairly awful and hateable nastified bitch who screams at assistants and tries to run people down in her SUV and so on and so forth, I have always liked the Martha persona she puts forth in her magazine and on her previous t.v. show. Tasteful, homey, impeccable manners, and not without some sense of humor; she’s always been somewhat funny and intelligent when she’s appeared on Letterman or Conan O’Brien over the years, for example. It’s kind of a Leni Riefenstahl situation in a way, i.e., she made Nazi propaganda, but that doesn’t mean Olympia isn’t really beautiful and well-shot and all. So likewise I am going to be separating Martha Stewart the actual person from the “Martha Stewart” she has created, and I am rather fond of made-up Martha, as well as her magazine, her crafts, the colors of paint she sells, etc. Now for the clueless opposing viewpoint of the New York Times: “The most remarkable thing about Ms. Stewart is not just that she has refashioned her public persona from steely business diva to cheery, chatty gal pal … Silliness and self-mockery was never part of her old image. She was unwaveringly earnest on her old cooking show, about as zany as Richard Nixon walking on the beach in a coat, tie and wingtip shoes.” Let me just quickly prove the stupidity of the Times reviewer with this refutation of her thesis, a snippet from a description of Martha Stewart’s Christmas Dream, her fourth Christmas special, which aired on December 6, 2000: “Ever wonder how Martha does it all? With help from her friends, of course. Martha’s good friend Lorraine Bracco crafts an adorable ice-cream snowman holiday dessert and Melissa Joan Hart lends her magical touch, creating a sugar cube house. An extra pair of hands is always helpful, but what about your very own clone? Ana Gasteyer, “Saturday Night Live’s” Martha Stewart impersonator, helps Martha make the ultimate Christmas accessory – snow.” She had the woman who had famously done a parody of a Martha Stewart xmas special on SNL where she was topless appear as a guest on her actual xmas special to help her make snow. Silly and self-mocking is what I’d call that. Who wrote this crap, I wondered, and when I saw it was Alessandra Stanley it suddenly made sense… recently Gawker has noted this Times TV critic’s evident unfamiliarity with television both past and present. In fact they’ve been noting it a lot. A whole lot. How exactly is it possible to get and hold a job as a television critic at one of the highest profile newspapers in the world when you clearly do not watch television and never have? This city must be filled with halfway decent writers who also know a lot about television (or at the very least know the name of the top-rated sitcom for many years – even if you loathe the show and never watched it you know it’s not “All About Raymond”, right?) When someone is so idiotic that you find yourself siding with GERALDO in a dispute... that is not a good thing (sorry, I was obligated to fit that in at some point during these proceedings). Okay, that out of the way, I’m going to go ahead and post this, as it has now become 5 projects instead of 3 vying for my time. I do have more to say, though, so keep the faith and I will get to it come hell or high water, either this afternoon or this evening, that is my promise to you, the readers. For the moment, however, Scoo out…