Ok, let’s get this over with. The action opened with Bren chewing out Michael good for his performance last week, and instead of threatening the southern gentleman with defenestration like he did Danny he meekly promised to straighten up and fly right from now on, saying , “It’s good to get steamrollered sometimes”… Bren would have flown out a window so much easier than that lanky hippie, too. Trump didn’t even bother to show up in person to tell them that they would be working with the lovable new leiderhosen-clad mascot for the German Tourism Bureau, Donny Deutsch (no, I know he’s really the asshole ad exec that’s on every season, I’m just scrambling to find something funny to say here). By the way, something I just read in that linked article might be a fun thing for Donald to try if this show gets any more dull: “Taking off his shirt is a Donny thing. At company parties, for instance. Or, once, on a video conference call. ‘We’re the fucking-A greatest,’ he told employees, and then, shirtless, rolled onto his desk and did twenty push-ups.” Anyway, this week’s product to push was Dove Cool Moisture Body Wash, but it soon became apparent that neither team had any clue what the purpose of a body wash might be, despite the helpful hints contained within its name. Net Worth showed that in their case “street smarts” means “ideas that a crazy street person might have” and decided that it was something you smear on your face in public and don’t wash off. The Magna team did have someone who had previously encountered a body wash, but unfortunately that encounter was an impromptu shower handjob from his wife two years ago that Bren’s been hoping to recreate ever since, leading him to propose using a sexy lady chef crudely stroking a cucumber for their pitch. Possibly in order to get Alex on board with this perplexing vision he also threw in the additional selling point that using Dove turns you gay. With an idea this good there seemed to be no reason to arrive at the shoot on time, so they rolled in 2 hours late to find an actress who was very pissed off at their unprofessionalism and 90% sure that she was going to walk because of it. Luckily, however, the 10% which was just going to kick up a fuss for awhile to get more airtime won out after Bren did some sweet-talking and let her know that she was their first and only choice, the perfect embodiment of a vegetable masturbator, and absolutely critical to the project. Over on the other team, Kristen Kirchner was shrill and abrasive bitch to all and sundry, pretty much a carbon copy of Maria Boren from last season when she took over the Levi’s shoot. But with Maria there was at least the distraction of trying to figure out how much her blinking could accelerate before her eyelids took flight and began buzzing around the room like little hummingbirds. The only distraction offered by Kristen was wondering if anyone would ever bring up the fact that she was already on another reality show a few years ago – you know, one of the big problems with these shows is that everyone now knows how performers on a reality show are supposed to act, and casting someone with previous experience just makes it that much worse, so what the hell were the people behind this crap thinking when they decided to cast her? As for what the hell Kristen was thinking when she decided to wear that horrible white cap she had on, my only guess is that she has a soft spot for the 1986 film My Chauffeur and did not stop to consider the fact that this was the movie which effectively ended Deborah Foreman’s career (before: Valley Girl and Real Genius, after: Lobster Man From Mars and Sundown: The Vampire In Retreat). Sadly for her but happily for everyone else, donning the chauffeur cap also marked the end of Kristen’s career on The Apprentice, another obvious choice which even the unprecedented fact that both teams were rightfully declared the losers and six people went into the final boardroom could not make suspenseful. It may be true that she wasn’t used to the words “loser” and “suck” coming out of someone’s mouth in reference to her before, as she said, but I have a feeling she’ll be getting used to it before too long. Let’s see, is there anybody else… I’m still waiting to get some idea of what Craig “Peaceful Feet” Williams is really like, since he didn’t speak at all again this week, but the fact that most shots showed him looking very bored and embarrassed to be associated with the show in any way did make him the most empathetic candidate, and picking out his afro to maximum fluffiness before the boardroom met with my approval as well. On the opposite end of the likeability spectrum, young Chris Shelton had to be goaded into his trademark unmodulated yelping by George this week, but once he got going he came through with the episode’s choice quote: “No sir, I am NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!” Oh, and I almost forgot about the saddest spectacle of all, which occurred when Donald Trump and Caroline Kepcher were forced to bookend the real Dove commercial that the ad agency came up with to make up for the damage done to the brand’s reputation by the Magna and Net Worth efforts. At the end, Caroline urged viewers to visit Dove.com to register for tickets to the Apprentice 3 finale, and now I am urging you to heed her advice and then take me with you when you win. With that, I will wrap things up here and venture out to face three more days of the silently taunting cupids with attendant hearts and flowers which blanket the city to remind scrawny little socially awkward misfits of their deep and abiding undesirability (perhaps some bitter self-pity might make me more attractive, though, hmm?)