There was shocking news to greet me this morning when my Yahoo homepage came up: it turns out that Angelina Jolie is not the ugliest, most frightening female celebrity currently stalking the planet, but rather the sexiest woman alive. With Halle Berry coming in at number two, I was beginning to wonder whether my taste in actresses is just plain wrong, maybe I ought to get with the program and find these sexy women sexy already. In the end, though, I've come to my senses and will be sticking with my own list of admirable actresses, which I am publishing now to quickly counter these lies being spread by the misguided fools at Esquire:

1. Zooey Deschanel
2. Gwyneth Paltrow
3. Mary-Louise Parker
4. Kirsten Dunst
5. Irene Molloy