Friday, July 02, 2004

It's time for our annual fireworks recommendations, in preparation for the poorly-timed Independence Day this Sunday. If Live Free Or Die had been called Live Free And Die or Operation Enduring Freedom was rechristened Operation Enduring Eye Out, either one might have taken the crown for best battle-themed firework. As it is, however, the flaming balls of Indian Uprising carry the day. In celebrity products, aerial bursts in the shape of Mare Winningham and Andrew McCarthy were enough to allow St. Elmo's Fire to edge out the sentimental favorite, recently deceased Marlon Brando's Large Star Ball Contribution. There's no need when wait another 17 years to enjoy a swarm of insects with poor navigational abilites when Loco Locusts are available; they narrowly defeat Ragin' Rottweilers for best animal-themed firework. In the grand finale category, the eloquent endorsement of Lillian Ross gave New Yorker Salute Finale the boost it needed to upset Untamed Retribution. Finally, we have three classics for the kids that are deserving of honorable mention. No Fourth would be complete without permanently damaging your driveway with snakes, and there are plenty to be found in the Phantom Snake Bag. Plane Drops Parachute flies high into the sky, and then it drops a parachute that floats softly to the ground! Very unique! Whose roof will catch fire? And I am overjoyed to see that my all-time favorite, Artifical Satellite, is still available, thanks to the chinaman. For those not in the know, this item is a small metal disk with four sharp blades and a stickless bottle rocket on the underside. When lit, it lifts off the ground and buzzes around very speedily in a totally unpredictable fashion, frequently straight at your head no matter which way or how far you run. Sweet land of liberty!


Post a Comment

<< Home