A ill-conceived detour onto Fifth Avenue just now (following a trip down 54th for a bratwurst which was not there) reminded me about a theory I was discussing with the bustard busting Minnesotan subject of Tuesday's blind item. The theory is that even on the infrequent occasions when they are not morbidly obese you can still identify people from the Midwest by their slow aimless waddle. It looks as though they are worn out from a day spent riding the range and roping goats, but my expert opinion is that they are simply not used to walking more than 50 yards at a time. Whenever I go back to Iowa I am struck anew by the fact that everyone drives everywhere, even though you could walk all the way across town in the same amount of time as it takes me to walk from my house to the train every morning in Brooklyn. It doesn't matter if you are only going 2 blocks and it is a perfect 75 degrees and sunny, you will be driving. The combination of this new theory of mine and another collectible I've found has led me to coin a new term for these corn-fed shufflers, which is the next logical step in my quest to become the Herb Caen of the 21st century. Just so Mary Rhyner-Nadig can't pull any sort of copyright crap on me, my coinage is Moomericans and I'd like everyone to start using it right now. MUST CREDIT IAAFOTS!