An important programming note for you to be aware of: The Apprentice with Martha Stewart is not on at 9pm like the regular Apprentice always is, but is, in fact, on at 8pm. Had I the foresight to leave myself this note yesterday I would have seen the program, which I was really looking forward to both seeing and writing about. I do have a few thoughts left on the candidates which I found out during my research after last week's show, but I must warn you that I have only had half an hour of sleep and 3 projects all calling me at once today, so the outlook is bleak. BUT you never know. Until such time as I have time to try to think, perhaps your time could be productively spent sharpening your freestyle rapping skills, and if you are finding that your reading needs are not being fully met here I have recently come across this new pony book you may wish to look into acquiring. AND now I have four projects calling me, so I must regretfully leave you to it.

I've got a quick lil mini-camp edition of Pump Fake for you, too: Oh My God. An IAAFOTS:PF note to the Jets - if Vinnie's shoulder goes out, too, I think Bernie Kosar remains unsigned this season (and an auxiliary note to the readers - you will want to check out that second link, with your sound cranked the hell up).

As you may have already suspected, I'm just going to throw my few remaining observations about A:MS in with the next episode, this weekend I was a little lazy and now I'm a little busy and that's what's up with that. I'll throw out a little teaser fact, though: 2 of the candidates are in Mensa! Yep. I do have a tip in from reader Jay O. that can help you fill those lonely hours until I have time for something a bit more substansive: Boy Meets World fan fiction! What if Topanga and Shawn had gotten together ? What if Eric had decided to kick Mr. Feeny's ass? What if Cory were attacked by squirrels? I only know for sure that you'll find the answer to one of those questions at the link, but I'm sure you'll find many more answers to questions you never even knew you had if you just take a moment to browse through their selection. Also, I've linked to it before but the time is ripe to link to it again: some of Rider Strong's own moving verse.

Happy Autumn!
Originally uploaded by sarahfrances.

I couldn't be more sorry that I haven't quite finished Part 3 of the A:MS analysis, really I couldn't. But this will give any readers who taped or TiVOd or plan to watch the show if CNBC or MSNBC reruns it a chance for unspoiled viewing, right? Because I don't think parts one or two contained much of anything pertaining to what actually went on during the proceedings (and, frankly, not all that much DID go on, making it even more ridiculous that I haven't finished writing about it yet). It will yet appear, but so far today it's been all work all the time. Those five projects trying to book time all at once I spoke of yesterday? No joke, readers, no joke...

However, there is a tip sent in by reader Sarah A. which might perk up any cat fanciers in the greater NYC area, anyway: the 3rd Annual CFA-IAMS Cat Championship will be held on October 8th and 9th at Madison Square Garden! There will be many a fancy cat! There will be a huge indoor cat accessory shopping mall! The will be krazy kat people! There will be a feline agility competition! Is that all the insanity you can expect to see? HARDLY! Naturally, I will be in attendance, along with reader Jenn S., and if anyone else in town wants to come along, Ticketmaster has the advance tickets, just get yourself one and hop on board the kitty train.

Also, between apprenticing and work scheduling yesterday I completely forgot to note that it was the autumnal equinox, and now it is autumn. I was well aware of it myself, of course, since many readers are probably aware that I love me some autumn, not to mention the fact that the autumnal equinox is Lady Of The Squirrels' favorite day of the year! It is true (and for the record, that is reason #228).

Ok, now to tie this post up, send it off, and return to the dark and dreary coal mine...

Ok, there's a slight possibility this may not get completed tonight. While I continue crafting the third and final segment of our A:MS coverage, though, I would like to note that some of the links in the previous segments were screwed up and have been fixed, and a few other minor updates and corrections have occured, so it'll be a lot like reading a whole new installment if you just read those two again... yeah. My apologies, but (news flash) I am slow.

Okay, I don’t think I’ll be able to get to a few thoughts about some of the candidates who were focused on in the first episode until later this evening, but I would at least like to knock Part Two out before heading home.

All of the reviews I’ve looked at elsewhere today have pretty much the same opinion: it is a weak clone of a tired show that ought not be watched. And, not so surprisingly, it wasn’t watched all that much – via Drudge: “6.8 rating/10 share, last place for night on big-3 net primetime, according to overnights... More... ABC 'Lost' tops at 15.2 rating/22 share”. [UPDATE: actually, from elsewhere: "5.5/9 ... CBS was third with the season premieres of "Still Standing," 4.8/8, and "Yes, Dear," 4.9/8. "So You Think You Can Dance" was fourth for FOX. The first half of "America's Next Top Model's" season premiere drew a 2.8/5 for UPN. The WB aired a "One Tree Hill" repeat."] Critics, of course, have a major hard-on for Lost, as do a lot of viewers, and the bits and pieces of it I saw last season did leave me with the impression that it’s probably an interesting, above average show. I might even watch it regularly if it didn’t have some kinda supernatural bullshit thrown in and was just a bunch of people stranded on an island and trying to survive and all. But the majority of Americans have a yen for the supernatural bullshit that I do not share, so it’s a big ol’ hit and while I understand that this is probably the NBC show with the biggest buzz and so they chose to challenge Lost with it, A:MS (that's not just the follow-up to Q:What does Annette Funicello have again?, but will be our preferred abbreviation for the show going forward) is just going to get slaughtered in this time slot.

Here is my contrarian opinion, however - The Apprentice: Martha Stewart finally makes the Apprentice concept a little enjoyable to watch for me, and I’m going to be embracing it much more than I ever did the original. Now I know that I’ve written about the last two seasons of the Trump Apprentice, but I think I also made it abundantly clear that I did not care for it all too very much. My fondness for the Martha persona is part of the reason why I’ve decided to claim I love this version even though it really is a weak clone of a tired show with a bunch of god-awful contestants, but there’s another factor too. Let me try to explain it thusly… No matter how bad a sitcom is, I can always get some pleasure out of watching one. This is due to my excessive familiarity with the sitcom as a genre; like if someone on According to Jim gets caught in a lie about a sandwich they weren’t supposed to eat that goes missing, say, I derive a little enjoyment in thinking about how they did that same plot on The Donna Reed Show except it was a pie, while on Just The Ten Of Us it turned out the accused really didn’t eat the casserole, but the Dad got hit in the face with the swinging door at approximately the same point in the proceedings as Belushi did on ATJ. Call this geeky, call it autism, however you label it the fact will remain that this sort of crap is one way in which I enjoy watching television. Therefore, stuff like “Hey look, it’s not the board room, it’s the conference room!” make me smile just a little. You might not share this predilection/syndrome with me, but that’s where I’m coming from. So to recap Part Deux: IAAFOTS Hearts A:MS!!!

Now I am going to prepare to dash out of this office before anyone else tries to schedule my time tomorrow, look forward to some thoughts on some contestants and a few other details I noted in my notes later tonight (or preferably tomorrow morning, it's not like this shit I'm writing is really worth checking back constantly in order to read as soon as it's posted). There's the original Apprentice for you to be watching tonight, too, not that I think I'm going to. Well, maybe I will. Then again, maybe I won't. That was then, this is now. The cat ate my gymsuit. Dinky Hocker shoots smack. Whoa, sorry, I zoned out and started playing the Pyramid for a second there. For the record, the answer we were looking for was Young Adult Novels, Young Adult Novels... OK, on with the leaving.

I’m being messed with much like Texas is gonna be soon, though in my case it’s three different projects trying to schedule time on the same day rather than devastating wind and rain. So maybe it’s not really similar at all. In any case, I’m gonna go ahead and do this Apprentice: Martha wrap-up in a piecemeal fashion, so please consider this Part One and let’s get to it.

Another thing I should note at the top is that I missed the first 12 or so minutes of the program due to circumstances beyond my control (those circumstances being that I am so very dimwitted that I am unable to read a digital clock). Reader Sarah W. - who I have just this very moment decided to refer to hereafter as “Lady Of The Squirrels”, btw – did graciously watch those minutes 3 hours later on the west coast and took some notes, but I’m still mostly in the dark as to how things began. I do know that the theme song is reportedly “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics, though, which seems an appropriate choice since 1) both Martha and Annie Lennox have a manly sort of femininity goin on, plus the Stewart factor, and 2) lyrics like “I'm gonna use you and abuse you, I'm gonna know what's inside you”. I’ve also looked at a couple of newspaper reviews of the show, and in doing so have come upon one which is in direct opposition with one of the points I was planning to make. First I’ll say what I was gonna say. While I think Martha Stewart in real life is a fairly awful and hateable nastified bitch who screams at assistants and tries to run people down in her SUV and so on and so forth, I have always liked the Martha persona she puts forth in her magazine and on her previous t.v. show. Tasteful, homey, impeccable manners, and not without some sense of humor; she’s always been somewhat funny and intelligent when she’s appeared on Letterman or Conan O’Brien over the years, for example. It’s kind of a Leni Riefenstahl situation in a way, i.e., she made Nazi propaganda, but that doesn’t mean Olympia isn’t really beautiful and well-shot and all. So likewise I am going to be separating Martha Stewart the actual person from the “Martha Stewart” she has created, and I am rather fond of made-up Martha, as well as her magazine, her crafts, the colors of paint she sells, etc. Now for the clueless opposing viewpoint of the New York Times: “The most remarkable thing about Ms. Stewart is not just that she has refashioned her public persona from steely business diva to cheery, chatty gal pal … Silliness and self-mockery was never part of her old image. She was unwaveringly earnest on her old cooking show, about as zany as Richard Nixon walking on the beach in a coat, tie and wingtip shoes.” Let me just quickly prove the stupidity of the Times reviewer with this refutation of her thesis, a snippet from a description of Martha Stewart’s Christmas Dream, her fourth Christmas special, which aired on December 6, 2000: “Ever wonder how Martha does it all? With help from her friends, of course. Martha’s good friend Lorraine Bracco crafts an adorable ice-cream snowman holiday dessert and Melissa Joan Hart lends her magical touch, creating a sugar cube house. An extra pair of hands is always helpful, but what about your very own clone? Ana Gasteyer, “Saturday Night Live’s” Martha Stewart impersonator, helps Martha make the ultimate Christmas accessory – snow.” She had the woman who had famously done a parody of a Martha Stewart xmas special on SNL where she was topless appear as a guest on her actual xmas special to help her make snow. Silly and self-mocking is what I’d call that. Who wrote this crap, I wondered, and when I saw it was Alessandra Stanley it suddenly made sense… recently Gawker has noted this Times TV critic’s evident unfamiliarity with television both past and present. In fact they’ve been noting it a lot. A whole lot. How exactly is it possible to get and hold a job as a television critic at one of the highest profile newspapers in the world when you clearly do not watch television and never have? This city must be filled with halfway decent writers who also know a lot about television (or at the very least know the name of the top-rated sitcom for many years – even if you loathe the show and never watched it you know it’s not “All About Raymond”, right?) When someone is so idiotic that you find yourself siding with GERALDO in a dispute... that is not a good thing (sorry, I was obligated to fit that in at some point during these proceedings). Okay, that out of the way, I’m going to go ahead and post this, as it has now become 5 projects instead of 3 vying for my time. I do have more to say, though, so keep the faith and I will get to it come hell or high water, either this afternoon or this evening, that is my promise to you, the readers. For the moment, however, Scoo out…

Before attempting to climb back on the Apprentice-writin' horse (Martha style), I have a quick observation from my commute this morning to report in hopes that some reader may know what in the heck was up with what I observed. Here goes: as I neared the Nassau Avenue G station in Greenpoint I noticed a Goodyear blimp floating westward toward the city, maybe around the Williamsburg Bridge or so, and then spied what looked like another down south near, say, the Battery. And then just as I was about to turn to go down into the subway another blimp came into view right behind the closer one... for all I know a whole fleet of blimps was parading toward Manhattan for reasons unknown. So does anyone have any idea of the whys and wherefores here? Let me know, and in the meantime I will now turn my attention Marthaward.

Sorry, my computer here at work has been bedevilling me as of late, all sortsa things trying to access unknown modules according to my personal firewall whatever the hell that might mean. But while things here are slightly crazy, they are not 100% totally insane like this guinea pig that reader Will H. sent in recently! His subject line was 'the trouble with tribble', but I think the little fella looks more like that red monster in the Bugs Bunny cartoon with the mad scientist where a bottle of ether breaks and then they run and talk real slow and stuff. Or maybe Martha Stewart, which brings us to the real point of this little post, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart premieres tonight on NBC at 8pm. I have not the time that I was hoping for to review the candidates pre-viewing, but I do have a list of five predictions for Martha's highly anticipated new catchphrase:

1. Get the hell out of my face.
2. Wy jesteście zza tutaj. *
3. Begone with you.
4. Your services will no longer be required. Thank you for your time.
5. Amscray.

Also, just for the old-school readership out there, does anyone remember that time that Penny or Mike or somebody stole a bottle of ether out of the science building and we were pouring it onto a rag and inhaling it all night and then when we were walking up to a party at Sands, Kirra walked face first right into a tree? That was messed up, man.

Reader Andrew H. has sent along a follow-up to his recent submission of the greatest website in all of cyberspace, and this one is for the dog lovers. Meaning it is not quite the greatest website in all of cyberspace, but it is still pretty great, kinda like a cross between Anne Geddes and William Wegman (somebody should totally breed those two one of these days, just for kicks, you know?)

Ah, HERE you are, internet... oh, I had great plans to utilize you today for the betterment of this blog, but the best laid plans of mice and men. Now I am busy with the work. BUT reader Mike A. has sent in a fanTABulous tip that will shock and delight you all: the Moscow Cats Theatre! I would like to suggest perusal of the photo gallery in partcular, but it is all good. Mike calls them the stupidest cats in the world, but I haven't figured out where he is getting that just yet, they seem smart as little furry whips to me. They slide down poles! They step into large shoes! Oh wait a second, maybe reader Mike said that because I often cite the fact that cats can't be trained as proof of their superior intelligence to dogs... hmm. Ok, maybe these cats are as dumb as nails, but those clowns seem highly learned at least. Also, if you haven't already noticed in the commentary, reader Syd B. has his own blog now, and it is hilARious! Well, at least this photo is kinda. In general the feeling felt after viewing Syd's site is more "man, I wish I had my own cute little house". ALso, as long as I'm here I might as well break the news that even though a new season of The Apprentice premieres this Thursday on NBC, I will not be writing about it! Well, maybe if I watch an episode and something really crazy happens I might mention it, but there will be no weekly wrapup of the festivities to look forward to me not completing every week... sorry! I was just not enjoying it much last season and do not feel the need to force myself through that yet again. And anyway, I'll probably be too busy writing about this...

It's not just Year-over-Year Organic Revenue Growth charts which are keeping me busy, post-Labor Day; as you may have read about in Rush & Molloy in today's Daily News: "Don't kick sand in Leo DiCaprio's face. Having turned himself into obsessive-compulsive hand-washer Howard Hughes in 'The Aviator,' the once-gangly actor has bulked up for his role as an undercover cop in 'The Departed.' A personal trainer named Scooter has been putting him through his paces while director Martin Scorsese has been shooting around New York. The other day, between takes at a Queens detention center, Scooter had Leo doing pushups in a cell. Scooter tells Steppin' Out's Chaunce Hayden his fitness regimen is 'old-school.'" Obviously I can't give all the details of my regimen here, you gotta pay handsomely for that, but I can sketch a quick overview so readers can get an idea of whether it might be right for them as well. There are three basic old-school components to the workout:

1. Butter churning. The benefits of this are twofold: a) development of Leo's arms and upper body, and b) fresh butter for Scooter.
2. Hoover-ball.
3. Squat thrusts.

And all of this is supplemented and enhanced by liberal doses of rocking out. A few of our favored old-school jams:

1. Alabama – Mountain Music
2. The Adventures of Stevie V – Dirty Cash
3. Hall & Oates – Did It In A Minute
4. Possessed - Seven Churches
5. The Caravelles - You Don't Have To Be A Baby To Cry

Parties interested in getting the same intensive, personal training that the stars enjoy are encouraged to contact the tipline to sign up today. Even though Mr. DiCaprio already had the strength of ten men (as all the retarded do) when he first came to me, in only a few short weeks I have already increased that to the strength of 14 men, and we're just getting started. When you're ready to get yourself started, hit me up on that tipline.

I'm not sure how much content I'm gonna have today, but I'll get at least some (if not all) of it out to you now so you'll have all afternoon to savor it. Really, "content" may be stretching it a little, but here goes: 1) I really like this headline: Neighbors Say Kids Found in Cages Polite. I don't know that the linked story really lives up to the high standard set by the headline, but there it is anyway. I just enjoy imagining a little moppet tipping his newspaper boy's cap and saying "How d'you do, ma'am?" while hunkered down in a cage. Because I am a heartless and unfeeling jerk. ON the lighter side, 2) One of the entertainments listed on that page of dancin' crap I linked to yesterday has been found to have what it takes to vy for the title of Best Website In All Of Cyberspace. They're not dancin' exactly, but the comedy generated as Lucy and Ethel desperately try to keep up as the conveyor belt goes faster and faster and faster is far better than dancing any day, in my book. A classic, first on the television, now on the Internet; I encourage you to view it repeatedly.

I'm all "busy" with "work" so far "today", but I did want to take a moment to note that my MNF picks record so far this season now stands at 100%! Sharp-eyed observers may note that I said the Falcons would win by at least 7, but the way this tally is gonna work is that if I get the winner straight-up and with the spread, this will be considered 100% accurate. Only one of those things correct will be called 50% and anything else like the actual point spread or final score or whatever else I may throw out there before the game improbably turning out to be correct will result in a score of 110% or better. Also, I was not aware of this other band with Eagles in their name that Stewf mentions in the comments at the time I made my prediction, and though I'm not familiar with their work they seem like they might be kinda cool, at least 3 points cool anyway. Therefore, had I had all the facts at my disposal I probably would have said Falcons by at least 4 points. But that is only speculatory, so I will have to accept my 100% accuracy rating graciously and try not to think of what coulda been. Now, while I return to my graphing of the FY05 Q1 Market Share Analysis, feel free to amuse yourselves with this hilarious dancing cheese (can't hear the song? do something! you must hear the song) and if you ever tire of that, I'll have you know that there are other things which dance as well. Oh, AND something else which a dancing item on that list reminds me of: can anybody tell me what the hell is up with Betty Boop being so popular amongst a certain segment of the population (the same segment which collects I Love Lucy paraphenalia and funky cow-themed doodads, I think)??? She's not really a very attractive character, and I can't imagine that many folks in this day and age have actually seen many of her cartoons, so... Seriously, this issue has bothered me for many years now and I think it's time I got to the bottom of it once and for all. Any reader thoughts and theories on the subject would be appreciated.

So it's football season again! I forget right at the moment what exactly I was calling my very infrequent football column last season, but we'll be calling it whatever that was again this year. To inaugurate (does anybody else remember? my Internet here is still all futzy today and trying to go back and look through my archives is too painfully slow for me to deal with right now) let's look at tonight's Monday Night matchup between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Atlanta Falcons. A few facts to consider: 1) I think the Ford Falcon is one of the coolest looking cars ever and would really love to own one. Conversely, the AMC Eagle. Advantage: Falcons. 2) The Hudson Falcons, whose membership has included Joey Chicken Cutlet, vs. The Eagles, whose membership has included Timothy B. Schmit. Advantage: Falcons. 3) The Fraternal Order of Eagles, the order of good things, helped bring about old age pensions, social security, worker's comp, and Mother's Day, while the Polish Falcons help provide insurance to Poles and encourage them to go to the gym. Advantage: Eagles. 4) Falcons fly high above their quarry, then dive to attack prey at a speed of more than 100 miles per hour! Imagine the prey being struck to the ground or even killed in flight by the tremendous impact from the peregrine's outstretched talons! Hunting is often accompanied by a series of sharp, aggressive, territorial calls, "kee, kee, kee, kee, kee,-kee, kee, kee, kee, kee." Even with Susan Powter, Rudy Ruettiger, and Luke Yankee on the other side of the ball, it's gonna be tough not to get rattled by Michael Vick yelling "kee, kee, kee, kee, kee,-kee, kee, kee, kee, kee" and then attacking you at a speed of more than 100 miles per hour. Advantage: Falcons.

Therefore, on the basis of all this evidence, I am going to have to pick the Falcons by at least 7, easily beating the spread of 1 1/2. Of course, if Terrell Owens shakes off the recent controversy surrounding his relationship with McNabb and getting asked to leave training camp for a week last month, and steps up to have a big game, then you never know.

[UPDATE: Okay, now I remember what this football feature is called: Pump Fake. Please make note of it.]

Oh c'mon, Daily News, just admit that the Post got the jump on the good headline for this one and cook up something fresh for yourselves (note: here's the Yahoo version of that story if the Post site doesn't work for you, though you will be missing out on their exceptional photo for the story). Just off the top of my head, Doc's A Crock would work just fine and wouldn't make you sound like that little guy who's always following the bully around on Fat Albert. For that matter, there's gold to be found somewhere in the 'caduceus/cuss a cad' region... I haven't struck it yet myself, obviously, but it's there I tell you. The Post has actually bested the News thricely on this one, not only winning headline and photo honors, but also throwing in this fact uncopied by their competitor: "Zeitoun — pronounced like Satan but with a Z". Which, by the way, has inspired a new hard-hitting, muck-raking piece of investigative journalism which I have begun work on here in the IAAFOTS offices: "Ziering — pronounced like racketeering but with a Z". Here's a little taste of what I've been able to dig up so far, "After the turbulent academic years its father gives him a small cheese sheet..." Hmm, sounds rather fishy, no? You can run, Z-man, but you cannot hide.

Another tip has arrived this morning from reader Mike A., which implores, "You have got to find a way to tip the mother f-ing picture." While the only way I can find to do exactly that is to link the link Mike sent right here (it is from Yahoo and will disappear before long), the tip from reader Andrea B. that I mentioned yesterday will just about fulfill Michael's plea, for that tip was two other photos from the same series, which she helpfully sent along with word that they are ok to repost if you leave the watermark on. And now the accompanying text: "Hurricane Katrina victim Sondra Sercovich from Mandeville, Louisiana, waits in line for a food stamp application 08 September, 2005, and shows off her new furry friend "Peanut", a 4-week old baby squirrel she rescued after the hurricane. The animal lover who has 11 cats, 12 tortoises, three dogs, two chameleons, and five children, has been keeping the squirrel warm on her chest, and will be intregrating the squirrel into the family." No word on whether Peanut has yet gotten grabby. And, just for kicks, here's another heartwarming Katrina story I've found all by myself (by which I mean I saw the link of Sploid, which was not quite as easy as it might sound, given their execrably unreadable new redesign).

I've gotten a couple of tips this afternoon... one, from reader Andrea B., has some timely and squirrelly interest to it, but I don't think I am going to be able to get it together until tomorrow (I am having a photo posting issue here at the moment and posting a photo is key for that tip). However, this other lil tip from reader Sarah W. is good to go. It's a link to a piercing establishment, and as you may be aware I do not at all care for the piercing. Really, I don't go in for tattoos or any other sorta body modification either, but I don't mind if other people have tattoos, they're just not for me. But piercing and all the rest, I feel, should not be for anybody.... not that I'll try to stop you or anything, I'm just saying that I find it nasty. The draw at this link, though, is just their robot mascot, who I believe is the same robot I own except he's not red and silver and he still possesses his tiny claw hands. So, to summarize: piercing boo, robot yay.

We didn't eat here or anything, but I have composed a song:

In days of old when fish were cold just like the men who ate them,
so damnable a dish from hell it seemed pointless to plate them.
Then we got the bright idea to dunk them in hot oil
twas then we had a hearty meal that made one not recoil...
Tasty seafood, Jolly Roger!
And a sports bar, Jolly Roger!
Right in Portland, Jolly Roger!
It's your money that we want, and your money we shall have!

That picture down below is an overview of the buttons which are usually affixed to my bulletin board at home (Fun Fact: one of them was made by reader Mike A.! Hint: it is not the Witchery one) and now for a follow-up I would like to present a salute to one of the button subjects, Joey Lawrence. Ironically enough, the only decent screen shot I could track down from Blossom was this scene featuring Six and Chester A. Arthur, but there is plenty of Joey out there to keep you busy for the rest of the afternoon AND then some. Most of it is conveniently located here, where you can find all sortsa Joey-related entertainment, and I've neglected to note the specific addresses for much of it so you can also have the joy of discovering many of its secrets yourself. For example, where can you make your own Joey Madlib like this one of mine (One day while Joey was hosing in the bathroom a foul blonde came to his door. When he opened it a squirrel was standing there with her holding a sousaphone. Then they ran into the den and started scratching right in front of Joey. Joe was so surprised he was fucking and polishing! Then Joe offered them a glass of Tang . When they started kicking all over him, he got fed up and threw the blonde out of the house and told both of them to never come back! So they turned around and began killing Joe!) ????? I'll never tell. I will clue you in to where to find bitchin JL desktops and song lyrics, though (if you're pressed for time and can't read every lyric right now, a word to the wise: my favorite is If You Wanna Get Down), as well as how you can Adopt-A-Joey. Oh, but that's hardly the end of our joey-urney; elsewhere on the cookie-hatted bunny superhighway my research has found THREE additional items of interest. #1: An interview with Byron Allen, #2: A few photos of him attending the 1994 AMAs with Cyndi Lauper, and #3: Well, this one doesn't seem to have anything to do with Joey Lawrence at all as far as I can tell, but it does come up when you do an image search on him and may well cause you to say, "Whoa!" Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna make like Chester A. Arthur and sign the Tarriff Act of 1883 (if you know what I mean).

Alright, I am now online, I have collected a wee bit of content, let's get this goddamn show on the road. Our first order of business: squirrels in the news, of which there are four. One attacked a cop, one attacked a dog, one ate too much birdseed, and the fourth got shot by Jason Williams and his neighbors are complaining about it (just like they did when he shot that limo driver and his dog). "Yankees," said his girlfriend, Dawn Wiggins. "This isn't Brooklyn. Were not popping people over here. One he fired, I was sitting in the house, and I never even heard it." Damn yankees.

Network difficulties! I hereby blame the network for today's lack of posting. Damn you, network. Look at this funny something and then let's try this again tomorrow, ok?

Mike at 37
Originally uploaded by iamafriendofthesquirrels.

otter butt
Originally uploaded by sarahfrances.

Now for something a little cheerier... beavers! More here, here, and here. I've also found some games for beavers, like Beaver, Beaver Come Out And Be Fed, which features this chant:
Beaver, Beaver, come out and be fed,
First your tail and then your head.
Bring your Mama and your Papa,
We'll feed you fried bacon.

And get your filthy minds out of the gutter this instant.

Ok, sorry for the posting delay today, but the network here at work is once again on tha fritz. As the continuous coverage emanating from the FoxNewsLounge here in front of my desk (actually, today it is thankfully the CNNNewsLounge it seems) has been reminding me all day that the city of New Orleans and surrounding areas are what can best be described as mind-numbingly fucked, while I have a moment online I feel like reminding the readership that donating money to the Red Cross or somebody might be kinda cool right now. Not that you probably need such reminding, but just in case. Wonkette has a post listing Red Cross and some other contact information (as does Cityrag), and as I've mentioned before I've been a longtime fan of Habitat For Humanity, and there are a shitload of habitats that are gonna need to be be replaced in the months ahead. Also, if any readers have operational time machines, you might want to go back a few years and somehow convince the White House that massively cutting funds needed to fix up those levees down there might have some REALLY bad consequences for not only the Big Easy but the entire country. But give money or blood or something before you start bitching about that or anything else, otherwise it's somewhat unseemly, in my opinion. Another thing you can enjoy post-donating is checking out how many news stories have referenced Katrina and the Waves or Walking On Sunshine (A: Lots). Heck, you could even look at some of those Google Video summaries I love so much which are completely unrelated to hurricane devastation. Just give a little first, ok? If you're still not convinced how serious this tragedy is, perhaps the fact that celebrities such as Fats Domino and Brett Favre have been affected will bring it home for you. Britney Spears is also from Louisiana, of course, but thank god all her family is safe and sound (also, pregnant sex is awesome, y'all, and the baby's gonna be named London). Give.