Wednesday, March 31, 2004

All readers all the time today. "This picture is much creepier than you would expect" opins reader Mike A, and they are indeed pretty close to something from The Wall. They're not Bob Geldof creepy, though.

"Ultimately, the picture looks like an 18-year-old library scientist who is probably the type of woman that our clientele thinks is hot." Weezerphile and IAAFOTS reader Teresa S. sends along a link to this insightful interview with Wonkette.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I'd heard about them before, but a short piece tacked onto the end of tonight's NOVA provided my first view of Brooklyn's wild parrots in action. I am a friend of the parrots! Though they probably dive bomb squirrels just the same as they do pigeons and pitbulls. Tonight's PBS lineup on Channel 13 is really great, by they way, if you live in the NY area and aren't reading this right after I post it or already watching, I strongly recommend travelling back through time and checking it out. The main NOVA was about super tornados, and now the second episode of New Americans is beginning. I'm sure they'll probably be showing it again in the future, so if you're not watching this time around you should keep an eye out and set your VCR, TiVO, whatever you've got handy, because this is some old school reality TV (of the actually real variety) and it is enormously captivating.

I'm sticking with the Cornjerkers, but reader Mike A. has his own new favorite team, and they're a good one. Unlike Jerky, their mascot does a little dance.

The story is interesting enough, even though it's over two weeks old, but I'm only linking to it because I mysteriously love the photos.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Entertainment world shocker: Willie Tyler has parted ways with long time partner Lester, reportedly over Lester's refusal to work blue.

"He was old, and old-timers snap." It's about time somebody started taking this growing elderly menace seriously, maybe the shooting of Dr. Giggles actor Keith Diamond will finally get people to wake up.

However, an honorable mention should go to the Spectrum Doodies.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Since they disappointed me by getting knocked out in the second round of the tournament, I've been looking for a new favorite team nickname to replace the Manhattan Jaspers. This should do nicely.

New charges on the Sunday morning shows: Clarke "had a suitcase that made a singing noise. And the boy messed his bed every night. He was possessed."

Friday, March 26, 2004

Today I'd like to shine the spotlight on educator Robert S. McElvaine. A little about Bob: he's both the chair of the History Dept. and the Elizabeth Chisholm Professor of Arts & Letters at Millsaps College in Mississippi, has authored several respected books (Eve's Seed, The Depression and the New Deal, and Mario Cuomo: A Biography among them), enjoys the sounds of Norah Jones, the Chieftains, Aerosmith, and Alanis Morrisette, and makes young female students dress up with him and reenact scenes from his favorite movies.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Reader Kirra B. tips us to the fact that the hipsters of hipsburg are hip, clyde, and they dress accordingly. This example features a yak on the front and a big wad of hair on the back. Emo! [update 4/1: the ball of hair appears to have sold out. Instead, referencing the story from Mar. 29th, here is an example of an old timer who has snapped.]

If you want to see that photo of Norm's tool chest again you'll now have to look in the Archives, because we have entered our second week in cyberspace. To mark the occasion we inaugurate the weekly squirrel.

Oops, too late, it blows. More OK news: In an obvious and pathetic attempt to cash in on the popularity of the Boulevard of Death, Oklahoma City is now touting its own Streets of Speed.

The internet connectivity at my imminently former workplace is highly volatile today, so rather than get caught up in the internecine squabbles raging around this Weezer flap I'm just going to quickly link up Koch Reviews (thanks once again Mike A.) and Trimmer Trims and then run like hell before this thing blows.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

A growing chorus of readers is rising to dispute the claims of mystery source "Deep Weez", citing the superiority of Runnin' With The Devil to that Buddy Holly song among other facts. Developing...

I had some concerns regarding my earning potential after I lose my job in a few weeks, but I think I've found the perfect way to stand out from the rest of the panhandling pack.

Not that I've just been sitting on my ass here. Earlier today sources contacted IAAFOTS with the bombshell that "Weezer is awesome" and I've been doggedly pursuing that lead for hours. So far, however, I have been unable to come up with either independent verification or a clever way to link it with this image.

Readers Andrew H. and Andrea B. have each suggested adding an area for reader comments and feedback to this blog-style weblog, but I'm afraid that would just lead to some neverending kerfuffle over whether anything ever really bursts into flames filling up this whole page (I think you know what I'm talking about, but it's the story that's so nice I'll link it twice). Luckily, while the tipline is primarily for hot tips, scoops, dirt, the skinny, the inside dope — you know, the real poop — it can also be used for commentary, questions, feedback, you name it. Reader/Ragin'-Rothhead Andrea B. also hopes "Mike A. will keep those helpful tips coming!" and, given my desire to do as little work as possible, I concur.

I don't know why Yahoo Mail keeps thinking that reader Mike A.'s tips are junk mail. Today he has more David Lee Roth news to pass along (hot on the heels of yesterday's tip that the governor of California had called Diamond Dave a prostitute).

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Over to the left of that sobering photo, however, is something I can work my magic on: I remember how he held me oh so tight... wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

The brand new tipline (see sidebar —>) has already begun to pay dividends. Reader Mike A. sends us this link, and after carefully considering my own opinions and ideas about it I've decided it's not the sort of thing that one should joke about.

"More importantly, I began to value more highly my own point of view. In composing my link text every day I carefully considered my own opinions and ideas, and I began to feel that my perspective was unique and important. This profound experience may be most purely realized in the blog-style weblog."

I couldn't have said this better myself, but once I've had this blog-style weblog for another week or so I hope to feel as though I could have. No matter how long I seriously consider and confront my own reflections, though, my perspective is never going to be as important as this perspective.

"She was wearing the strangest pants," the clerk said, "What she was wearing, she had to catch on fire."

It now looks as though that CNN building-side ticker yesterday was simply quoting Scott McClellan, so unless you want to send a $13 double cheeseburger to Pakistan and tell them it's a Filet-O-Fish you can disregard my first posting from Monday. That patchouli-permeated peacenik can make up his own sequel titles.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Today's secret word was just. Congratulations to all the winning entries!

After getting burned by former team members Clarke and O'Neil, you would think the Bush administration would have more sense than to hire some free-lovin', soap-scornin', space-jammin' hippie as press secretary, but that seems to be just what they've done.

I think this is just something that's good to be aware of.

I was just walking down the Avenue of the Americas to pick up a Filet-O-Fish sandwich and saw that the headline ticker on the side on the CNN building has decided to go with a "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve" reference rather than the obviously funnier "Bloopers..." angle (or maybe it was American Bandstand, either way it is weak). If you guys are also planning on doing a lamer version of my other post from Sunday, alternate punchlines "Dunston Checks Out" or "Marci XI" are free for the taking.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

I'm naturally thrilled to see another episode of Bloopers and Practical Jokes hit the airwaves, but I'm troubled that Ed McMahon has evidently been dropped from the mix for this latest installment.

I remember reading an interview with Black Flag in Rolling Stone back in 1984, at the time when they were growing their hair out and abandoning their original sound for a potent combination of spoken word and Montrose, and Henry Rollins said that they weren't about giving their audience what they want but rather what they NEED. It's taken 20 years, but I'm glad to see that Hollywood has finally embraced Rollins' philosophy, as evidenced by the ads I've started seeing this week for Scooby Doo 2 and The Whole Ten Yards. Interest in my script in which Paul Reiser, Matthew Modine, and Randy Quaid hang out at Roy Rogers and talk about divorced parenthood, Hello Emptiness, is shooting straight through the goddamned roof.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

This morning, at precisely 1:49 a.m. EST (06:49 Universal Time), the Sun crossed directly over the Earth's equator. This moment is known as the vernal equinox in the Northern Hemisphere, and now that spring has been sprung we all know what's just around the corner!

Friday, March 19, 2004

I realize that it’s been two days since it aired and the subject has already been blogged to death by everyone else, but I wanted to get my two cents in on this week’s According to Jim. I think Jim’s sister is CRAZY for leaving to track down the acupuncturist when Andy would be so great for her. I know he’s not the real father but that doesn't matter to him and she is going to need a solid and caring foundation to help her overcome her irresponsible ways and raise this baby right! TV makes me so mad sometimes.

On the other hand, inseparable joy-boys Cary Grant, George Clooney, Michael J. Fox, and Richard Dreyfus are notorious for defecating anywhere they damn well please, according to those in the know.

Does the pope shit in the woods? Apparently not. The Vatican has toilets just like everywhere else.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Here's something you don't see everyday. What's that thing that you do see everyday, you're probably asking yourself now? It is called the sword of Damocles.

The other topic I covered in my mysteriously missing first post was my reason for launching this venture in the first place. As near as I can recollect, it was because I think saying blog is funny, and so being able to say "You have to check out my blog" or "I'll post that on my blog" will be really great. It could be even cooler than saying zine, tude, or rents and you are well aware of how awesome those things are to say.

I'd like to have my own illustration right up on this blog, but i haven't gone to the trouble of trying to figure out how yet (i don't know nothing about no internet). So for now, if you could, please imagine a Peanuts-sized character with brown hair and glasses staring intently out at you and holding an enormous acorn with both hands, like it was a basketball and he was about to pass it to you. He's not, though.

Have I mentioned that I would like to have a romantic relationship with the illustration of Wonkette? I thought that I had, but then my introductory post does not seem to have posted onto this new blog of mine. If it ends up reappearing after I've repeated myself here this blog is going to end up looking like Kausfiles, with "Illustration of Wonkette" replacing "John Kerry" and love replacing hate. And now that I think about it, that would be a beautiful thing... anyhow, just to repeat everything from the missing post, let me now make clear that I am referring specifically to the illustration, not Ana Marie Cox the real live person. I understand she is married and that is one sacred bond I do not want to mess with.

Maybe I just don't know when it's on, but it occurs to me that I haven't seen the New Yankee Workshop in a long time... perhaps it's not shown on Channel 13 in NY anymore. A visit to their website has shown me that it is still in production, and that in Wisconsin Norm "discovers one of the most magnificent examples of a wall mounted tool chest ever made, so impressive in fact, that it has been displayed in the Smithsonian Museum". I would like to have seen that tool chest. Norm's is ok, I guess.